Scrubs

I have yet to find a pair of scrubs that I like on myself....

There is the constant battle between 'what fits' and 'what looks good'.

I personally do not like the design of scrubs for women. The scrubs that like to do this overlapping half tunic V-neck thing, others that half lace and draw strings to tighten up your tummy.

What a sexy nurse you are!

Of course the creators of these designs fail to consider that we all don't want to look this way.

The most obnoxious scrubs I have ever seen are the ones with designs on them, floral prints, care bears, Betty Boop among the other countless number of cartoon character prints out there.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the people who dress this way. I have a hard enough time convincing people I am not a nursing student fresh out of high school. I do not need anything to make me look younger.

In fact, I bought some glasses to wear to work to make me look older and smarter. It is amazing what taking off your contacts and placing frames on your face can do to your perceived competence!

On the other hand, it is hard to be professional when a simple pair of scrubs are huge!! Even an extra small drowns me.

The only pair of scrubs that really fit me are my Halloween scrubs, and I am for sure not wearing those all year round.

"Look at that freak wearing the Gothic looking scrubs?" the people would point and laugh at me for sure.

I am sure that won't pass.

A big "No Go."

So I am on this endless search for professional looking scrubs that are in my size!

shocked and speechless

"I have been shooting up all day," The cracked out middle aged woman says to Jasmine, "so don't use that arm!"

"Let her do her job!" One of the two police officers sitting in the chairs next to the stretcher yells in an authoratitive tone to the woman.

"What arm do you want me to use?" Jasmine Vanilla asks the messed up patient as she gathered up her supplies to start an IV line.

"I don't know... I have been shooting up in both of them all day," she laughs as she pulls up her sleeves.

Jasmine wondered how someone could administer IV injections of crack, cocaine, heroin or *god knows what* to themselves.

Jasmine uncapped the 20 gauge needle as she searched for a vein, expecting the worst but hoping for the best. She flashed back to a time when she had "The Crack Head" patient, seven foot tall African American male with veins as thick as electrical wire and just as hard, sediments of additives hardening his venous system. A literal hard reminder of the effects of illegal substances.

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"We just can't get a line in," Jasmine informed the Doctor.

"He has been stuck twice by each nurse here with no luck," the charge nurse informed the M.D. at the bedside of the said patient.

"But his veins look great," she said wondering how a team of nursing professionals could fail such a seemingly easy task.

"Yes, but they are as hard as rocks," Jasmine said with conviction, wondering how many cool points she lost for what seemed like a piece of cake.

"Sir, do you shoot up?" The doctor asks the patient.

"No, never," the patient lied as he readjusted himself on the stretcher which converted to a torture rack after being stuck about twenty times.

"I guess I will have to do a central line," the MD told the nurses as she walked out of the room and closed the door to the patient's room, "get the consent forms."

"Yes, Ma'am," Jasmine Vanilla said and turned to the charge nurse, "that guy is lying about the drugs huh?"

"Oh yeah." The charge nurse replied and walked away. "I wonder how he shoots up now, probably between his toes no doubt."

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Jasmine Vanilla feared that she would have trouble getting an IV into this drug abuser, the same way she had trouble with her former patient. She wondered if he still shoots up between his toes....or if he is even still alive.

The police officers watched as Jasmine held the needle ready to stick. Jasmine came to the conclusion that ER nurses and police officers have the same passion for danger, the unruly, adrenaline, and the unpredictable.

Jasmine half expected to get punched in the face by the out of control crack whore if she missed her target vein. The officers shifted their weight to the balls of their feet as they barely held onto the edge of their seats.

The patient began to smile and laugh, an unusual response from someone about to get poked by a sharp object.

As the initial poke penetrated the surface of this woman's bruised skin a groan erupted and she began to quiver. Jasmine being stuck in concentration advanced the catheter removed the needle, attached the microclave and flushed the vein out with normal saline.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Oh my God!!" The woman yelled out a pleasurable sigh and began to shake.

"Did she just have an orgasm?" one of the police officer's asks the other.

"I think that she did," the police officer laughed, "there must have been some residual powder in that vein."

Jasmine just then realized what she had done....

Gave her patient an orgasm.

Creepy.....

She blushed and remained silent... professional.

"Did you just have an orgasm?" the police officer asked the woman.

"I forgot to tell you," she laughed and sighed, "I like needles, I am kind of a masochist, that and their must have been drugs left in that vein."

Jasmine Vanilla couldn't believe what had just occurred. She left the room completely shocked and speechless.

She tried to keep it to herself but the news spread fast as the police officers began to tell the other nurses.

"Jasmine gave her patient an orgasm!"

The Last Thing You Lose Is Your Pride

"Who wants to start an IV?" I asked a couple of EMS students. The guys looked at each other with a smirk, they would rather be standing around doing nothing then doing their clinical hours.

I was a little surprised that they acted so unmotivated, surely they were not all experts in starting saline locks already.

The youngest guy in the group, who did not look older then 20 years old stepped forward, "I will do it."

The other guys whom appeared to be in their mid thirties looked at each other and laughed smugly, they did not like the idea of a young woman telling them what to do.

"So how old are you anyway?" all my patients asked me, they all seemed so astonished when I told them my true age, "you don't look older than 23," they would state.

No wonder people didn't take me seriously....

Kevin, was a motivated EMS student who as I could tell by looking at him, enjoyed starting IVs as much as I did.

There is just something about sticking someone with a sharp needle, directly accessing their veins that seemed like an artful skill to me.

Most people would call me sick.

Not the people who work in the ER, they all understand. "I don't want to torture you anymore" actually means, "I am going to get someone else to come and torture you for a little bit."

That is in the frequent cases where we get a patient who apparently has no veins anywhere that we can access. They are either too small, too fragile, too deep, or they roll to much, or in some cases the patient is a habitual IV drug abuser and all their veins are hardened into electrical wire. It is almost like they are harder then the needle.

Thank goodness not tonight. Kevin, the young EMS guy, had some really easy sticks. I was happy to give him the opportunity to practice.

I was not impressed with the laziness of the other students. Especially when I could have used some help later in the night.

An ambulance rolled in my room, a guy in shackles and chains, completely drunk screaming out obscenities and lashing out in violent spurts. I assessed the patient and started taking vital signs.

I looked out the door and three EMS students, the ones that have repeatedly refused to embrace the opportunities I presented to them stared in the room. They stared as I handled the drunk man by my skinny little self.

I wondered what their deal was, young Kevin wasn't around or else he would have been in the room bright eyed desperately seeking new experience. It is not that I didn't think I could handle the situation, I have dealt with worse situations in the ER, this was nothing.

I was surprised that these middle aged, EMS students were not actively engaging in such an opportunity to give medical treatment to the drunk and disorderly.

They walked away, all three able bodied students from the situation.

One person once told me, "the last thing you lose is your pride."

Think about it..

I blame my parents.

I blame my solidarity on my parents. I resent them in a way for this.

Here is my reasoning.

I come from a good family, one that is strong and loving.

I never had to go through a divorce between parents, I never had an alcoholic as a parent, I never saw my parents fight, I have never heard them utter any complaints against each other in gossip, and they never cheated, my parents had eyes for each other only. I have always seen my parents love one another, embrace, respect and protect each other.

My mother was giving, sacrificing and caring. My father, hard working, honest and respectful.

They were perfectly complimentary of each other. They set the standard for all of us to strive for.

So what does that teach us as their children but this is what a relationship is all about. Anything less then this perfect example of a relationship is unacceptable.

This has been carried with me in my adult life.

Thanks mom and dad........ I think.

I am single because I cannot find someone who I deem as acceptable.

I refuse to be in a relationship with anyone who is less then the perfect example I received growing up.

I will not allow myself to be with someone who is an alcoholic, drug user, dishonest, cheater, disrespectful, condescending, cold, unmotivated, unselfish or careless.

So where does that leave me in this wide world full of people?

Well, it leaves me single.... There aren't many people in this world that fit my expectations.

So here is my thank you to mom and dad for not setting the standard a little lower.

If only I didn't know that these kinds of relationships existed I might be able to broaden my dating spectrum.

Maybe then I would be with someone.

Perhaps if my parents weren't such a great example I could put up with an alcoholic that hits on occasion but its okay because she loves me, or a drug user that only overdoses twice a month but has a heart of gold, or a self centered cheater who sees sex as just an action people do and doesn't mean anything but its all good because she knows what flowers I like, or a cold hearted rich woman but its okay because she is gonna take me on a cruise next year.

Darn mom and dad being such a perfect couple growing up and now.

Making me believe that there is such a thing as true love and happiness and it is not a fairy tale.

So here I am single, coupled with my standards. Thanks to my parents.

Here I am waiting for someone who can meet my standards.

THanks again.

Christmas Season

I can't tell you how much I love the Christmas Season. I suppose I get that from my family. They love Christmas. In fact, last year my family put up their tree even before Thanksgiving.

I was a little depressed thinking that this Christmas I would spend it alone, but then the good news that my brother is coming for Christmas sparked my desire to decorate.

It's kinda lame decorating for yourself only.

I put up a tree last weekend and bought a few decorations.

Today I opened up a Christmas package from my sister Laura. I was so overjoyed, especially since her husband is unemployed and they are barely making it, BUT she somehow scrounged up enough money to get me a little something. That meant a lot to me.

I need to send them something next week. Something to make their Holidays brighter. I love helping, I love giving, it makes me feel more connected with my family.

I love my family and friends. A lot of times, many of the friends I have are like family, I have had them for so long. I am so blessed to have such great family and friends.

I seem to be a magnet for good people only. It seems that low caliber people are repelled by me for some reason, for that I also feel grateful.

It is going to be a great Christmas this year.

Alanis Morsette

I went out with an old friend yesterday. We went to language school together 7 years ago, we were both Korean Linguists in the Army. I remember that she was the girl that I thought looked a lot like Alanis Morsette.

I met her at her hotel in Austin and we went to 6th street.

It was so great to just be able to catch up. Its interesting how I have remained so close to many people who I went to language school with. We are all somehow connected for life.

At least some of them. For instance, my friend Brachkoki. We have been friends for almost ten years. It is amazing to me, and we just keep on getting closer and closer as time continues.

June 2000

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"That is too bad you didn't pass that test," PFC Brachkoki said to me sympathetically.

"I'm not that sad about it," I said, "means I can stay here in Monterey, California six more months."

"yeah, Vanilla She got held back," the young Marine, my best friend at the time, told Brachkoki about me.

"You know," Brachkoki told the two of us, "You two are always together, you would make a great couple."

"Ewwww!!! No way!" I said.

The young Marine seemed slightly offended but held onto the delusion that someday we will be together.

"So, last night I got really drunk and threw away all my books and tapes," Brachkoki laughed, "in the dumpster!" he laughed even harder.

"you are crazy!" I yelled and laughed, amused at how funny he thought that was.

"So I am on my way to foxtrot company barracks," Brachkoki exclaimed, "Daddy is hungry for pink tacos." he laughed referring to his special friend.

"Have fun!" the young Marine said.

"Hey, so I am leaving tomorrow to San Angelo, Texas, can I get your email address?" Brachkoki asked.

"Um, yeah do you have a piece of paper?" I said flattered that he wanted to stay in contact.

"Umm.. no, just tell me your email and I will remember." he said.

"okay its...leoho19@hotmail.com." I said giving him my email address. I was doubtful that he would ever remember or write me for that reason. Much like when you are in high school and the cool kids write "let's keep in touch!" or "let's hang out this summer." but did not really mean it. Brachkoki, in my eyes was the cool kid in school and there was no way he would want to write me.

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Or so I thought......

It started with emails, then phone calls. The we visited each other a few times and developed a stronger friendship.

Something about being in the Army with someone makes you closer.

Here I was seven years later and having dinner with a former Army comrade.

Alanis (not her real name but for the sake of this blog she shall be called as such)had lived a fulfilling seven years. I was impressed.

Its fun to see how people turned out after not seeing them for many years.

It was a goodnight, and I hope to keep in contact with her in the future.

*Sigh*

My day off, a relaxing Monday.

I was pumped for the day, ready to go. A great day to be alive.

I woke up and made some Foldgers Gourmet Coffee (Carmel Drizzle)and drank it while watching the news.

'What a wonderful day,' I thought to myself.

After that I went tanning in the tanning bed at my apartment and then washed my car, there again at the car wash at my apartment. A convenience I am so very grateful for.

I then dedicated the day to relaxing, watching television, a pleasure I rarely get to partake in. I remembered to do my crunches during commercial breaks, so I can fulfill my goals of doing hundreds of crunches a day to get the abs of my dreams.

It's funny what boredom can do to you....

After a few hours of doing this I started to feel lonely and bored. The recipe for disaster for me.

I think too much...

As the day turned into night I was plagued with thoughts of life in general, the purpose, meaning and then I was forced to look at my life.

Most people my age have a spouse or significant other.

So what is wrong with me?

I was made to be with someone. I possess all of the characteristics and qualities congruent with someone who should not be single.

Of course I am perfectly fine on my own, don't get me wrong, 'wanting' someone and 'needing' someone are completely different. For example, I am not just going to go out there and meet just anyone and hook up, a desperate attempt to fill the void.

Pathetic.

I am much more selective then that, just ask the girls I have gone out with and refused to kiss despite their attempts.

My lips don't kiss just anyone. Not anymore.

I finally have my life together, "Jasmine, you are a catch, great job, beautiful, smart and funny" Princessa told me over facebook chat, "you will find someone."

Everyone you can imagine is online at night. 27 friends on facebook chat.

"You deserve someone great," said my old high school friend, "you are going to find her someday."

I talked to my brother as well, but not about this. A welcomed distraction from the curious desire to know how I am still single.

When I am busy I don't have time to obsess about this. Maybe this is why I work so much.

With every ying there is a yang. Among all my exes, only one of them actively tries to make me feel small and insignificant. I hate talking to her most of the time and I wonder when she will cease from being so condescending and belittling. I suppose this is part of the reason I am single, dating such people.

I wonder why I even talk to her anymore....Friendship? Lesbians love to stay friends with their exes for some odd reason.

I admit not all of the girls I have dated are bad, some I am very good friends with and I don't even consider them as exes anymore. Like it was so long ago it doesn't even matter that we dated at one point.

When I fall in love, it will be completely or I will never fall in love.... My favorite song ever by Celine Dion.

*Sigh*