I blame my parents.

I blame my solidarity on my parents. I resent them in a way for this.

Here is my reasoning.

I come from a good family, one that is strong and loving.

I never had to go through a divorce between parents, I never had an alcoholic as a parent, I never saw my parents fight, I have never heard them utter any complaints against each other in gossip, and they never cheated, my parents had eyes for each other only. I have always seen my parents love one another, embrace, respect and protect each other.

My mother was giving, sacrificing and caring. My father, hard working, honest and respectful.

They were perfectly complimentary of each other. They set the standard for all of us to strive for.

So what does that teach us as their children but this is what a relationship is all about. Anything less then this perfect example of a relationship is unacceptable.

This has been carried with me in my adult life.

Thanks mom and dad........ I think.

I am single because I cannot find someone who I deem as acceptable.

I refuse to be in a relationship with anyone who is less then the perfect example I received growing up.

I will not allow myself to be with someone who is an alcoholic, drug user, dishonest, cheater, disrespectful, condescending, cold, unmotivated, unselfish or careless.

So where does that leave me in this wide world full of people?

Well, it leaves me single.... There aren't many people in this world that fit my expectations.

So here is my thank you to mom and dad for not setting the standard a little lower.

If only I didn't know that these kinds of relationships existed I might be able to broaden my dating spectrum.

Maybe then I would be with someone.

Perhaps if my parents weren't such a great example I could put up with an alcoholic that hits on occasion but its okay because she loves me, or a drug user that only overdoses twice a month but has a heart of gold, or a self centered cheater who sees sex as just an action people do and doesn't mean anything but its all good because she knows what flowers I like, or a cold hearted rich woman but its okay because she is gonna take me on a cruise next year.

Darn mom and dad being such a perfect couple growing up and now.

Making me believe that there is such a thing as true love and happiness and it is not a fairy tale.

So here I am single, coupled with my standards. Thanks to my parents.

Here I am waiting for someone who can meet my standards.

THanks again.

Christmas Season

I can't tell you how much I love the Christmas Season. I suppose I get that from my family. They love Christmas. In fact, last year my family put up their tree even before Thanksgiving.

I was a little depressed thinking that this Christmas I would spend it alone, but then the good news that my brother is coming for Christmas sparked my desire to decorate.

It's kinda lame decorating for yourself only.

I put up a tree last weekend and bought a few decorations.

Today I opened up a Christmas package from my sister Laura. I was so overjoyed, especially since her husband is unemployed and they are barely making it, BUT she somehow scrounged up enough money to get me a little something. That meant a lot to me.

I need to send them something next week. Something to make their Holidays brighter. I love helping, I love giving, it makes me feel more connected with my family.

I love my family and friends. A lot of times, many of the friends I have are like family, I have had them for so long. I am so blessed to have such great family and friends.

I seem to be a magnet for good people only. It seems that low caliber people are repelled by me for some reason, for that I also feel grateful.

It is going to be a great Christmas this year.

Alanis Morsette

I went out with an old friend yesterday. We went to language school together 7 years ago, we were both Korean Linguists in the Army. I remember that she was the girl that I thought looked a lot like Alanis Morsette.

I met her at her hotel in Austin and we went to 6th street.

It was so great to just be able to catch up. Its interesting how I have remained so close to many people who I went to language school with. We are all somehow connected for life.

At least some of them. For instance, my friend Brachkoki. We have been friends for almost ten years. It is amazing to me, and we just keep on getting closer and closer as time continues.

June 2000

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"That is too bad you didn't pass that test," PFC Brachkoki said to me sympathetically.

"I'm not that sad about it," I said, "means I can stay here in Monterey, California six more months."

"yeah, Vanilla She got held back," the young Marine, my best friend at the time, told Brachkoki about me.

"You know," Brachkoki told the two of us, "You two are always together, you would make a great couple."

"Ewwww!!! No way!" I said.

The young Marine seemed slightly offended but held onto the delusion that someday we will be together.

"So, last night I got really drunk and threw away all my books and tapes," Brachkoki laughed, "in the dumpster!" he laughed even harder.

"you are crazy!" I yelled and laughed, amused at how funny he thought that was.

"So I am on my way to foxtrot company barracks," Brachkoki exclaimed, "Daddy is hungry for pink tacos." he laughed referring to his special friend.

"Have fun!" the young Marine said.

"Hey, so I am leaving tomorrow to San Angelo, Texas, can I get your email address?" Brachkoki asked.

"Um, yeah do you have a piece of paper?" I said flattered that he wanted to stay in contact.

"Umm.. no, just tell me your email and I will remember." he said.

"okay its...leoho19@hotmail.com." I said giving him my email address. I was doubtful that he would ever remember or write me for that reason. Much like when you are in high school and the cool kids write "let's keep in touch!" or "let's hang out this summer." but did not really mean it. Brachkoki, in my eyes was the cool kid in school and there was no way he would want to write me.

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Or so I thought......

It started with emails, then phone calls. The we visited each other a few times and developed a stronger friendship.

Something about being in the Army with someone makes you closer.

Here I was seven years later and having dinner with a former Army comrade.

Alanis (not her real name but for the sake of this blog she shall be called as such)had lived a fulfilling seven years. I was impressed.

Its fun to see how people turned out after not seeing them for many years.

It was a goodnight, and I hope to keep in contact with her in the future.

*Sigh*

My day off, a relaxing Monday.

I was pumped for the day, ready to go. A great day to be alive.

I woke up and made some Foldgers Gourmet Coffee (Carmel Drizzle)and drank it while watching the news.

'What a wonderful day,' I thought to myself.

After that I went tanning in the tanning bed at my apartment and then washed my car, there again at the car wash at my apartment. A convenience I am so very grateful for.

I then dedicated the day to relaxing, watching television, a pleasure I rarely get to partake in. I remembered to do my crunches during commercial breaks, so I can fulfill my goals of doing hundreds of crunches a day to get the abs of my dreams.

It's funny what boredom can do to you....

After a few hours of doing this I started to feel lonely and bored. The recipe for disaster for me.

I think too much...

As the day turned into night I was plagued with thoughts of life in general, the purpose, meaning and then I was forced to look at my life.

Most people my age have a spouse or significant other.

So what is wrong with me?

I was made to be with someone. I possess all of the characteristics and qualities congruent with someone who should not be single.

Of course I am perfectly fine on my own, don't get me wrong, 'wanting' someone and 'needing' someone are completely different. For example, I am not just going to go out there and meet just anyone and hook up, a desperate attempt to fill the void.

Pathetic.

I am much more selective then that, just ask the girls I have gone out with and refused to kiss despite their attempts.

My lips don't kiss just anyone. Not anymore.

I finally have my life together, "Jasmine, you are a catch, great job, beautiful, smart and funny" Princessa told me over facebook chat, "you will find someone."

Everyone you can imagine is online at night. 27 friends on facebook chat.

"You deserve someone great," said my old high school friend, "you are going to find her someday."

I talked to my brother as well, but not about this. A welcomed distraction from the curious desire to know how I am still single.

When I am busy I don't have time to obsess about this. Maybe this is why I work so much.

With every ying there is a yang. Among all my exes, only one of them actively tries to make me feel small and insignificant. I hate talking to her most of the time and I wonder when she will cease from being so condescending and belittling. I suppose this is part of the reason I am single, dating such people.

I wonder why I even talk to her anymore....Friendship? Lesbians love to stay friends with their exes for some odd reason.

I admit not all of the girls I have dated are bad, some I am very good friends with and I don't even consider them as exes anymore. Like it was so long ago it doesn't even matter that we dated at one point.

When I fall in love, it will be completely or I will never fall in love.... My favorite song ever by Celine Dion.

*Sigh*

You are an Angel Miss Jasmine Vanilla

It was a beautiful Sunday for the widowed Mrs. Jackson, everything was normal as expected. Mrs. Jackson thought about how blessed she was to have such a wonderful life, a blessed day for a big black Christian woman.

Mrs. Jackson loosely held onto the steering wheel of her Subaru and wondered how she could make the choir better at her First Baptist Church on 5th street.

"Perhaps I should sing louder," Mrs Jackson said outloud to herself, "What do you think Jesus?"

She wasn't expecting Jesus to answer back but knew in her heart that she had felt him near at church when she bellowed out his praise in harmony with her other big black sisters in the choir. She got excited inside thinking about it.

"Praise the Lord!" she sang out loudly in the car. Her deceased husband used to joke around that she was so out spoken she couldn't do anything quietly. He would even joke that she is unable to even think to herself without speaking.

Mrs. Jackson stopped at the corner of Main and Singer Ave and put on her blinker on to turn right onto Singer Avenue, the street she resided.

After the required three seconds stop Mrs Jackson could not push the pedal to the gas of her car to make her go right and felt the overwhelming sense that she should turn left instead.

"If that is you Jesus," she said switching her blinker from right to left, "your will be done."

As the car advanced forward it became clear what she had to do. It was time to go the Emergency Room because something was very wrong and Mrs. Jackson could feel it, to deny such a feeling would be at this point insane.

Mrs. Jackson entered the Triage room of the Hospital, "I feel something is wrong with me," she told the triage nurse, "I don't feel right." then she remembered that she had forgotten to take her blood pressure medication.

"Well let's find out," the triage nurse put the maroon blood pressure cuff, the biggest size, on the delightfully obese christian woman.

As it squeezed Mrs. Jackson's arm tighter and tighter, Mrs. Jackson took in a deep breath, afraid to know what the damage was. Finally the machine beeped and the cuff started to deflate. She was afraid to look at the screen.

"235 over 112, Mrs. Jackson," the triage nurse wrote down the number, "follow me and I will take you to a room."

"Praise the Lord!" Mrs Jackson stood up making sure to grab her purse.

The ER room was small but Mrs. Jackson's fear was enormous. She thought of her grandchildren and the choir. How would they ever go on without her? She sat on the bed with clean white sheets and took a deep breath.

"Oh Lordy Lordy Lordy," she said exhaling out.

Within a few minutes a nurse appeared, "Hello Mrs. Jackson, I am Jasmine, I am going to be your nurse today."

"I know you will take care of me Miss Jasmine, you have a Biblical name," she said.

"I will do everything in my power, " Jasmine Vanilla handed Mrs. Jackson a hospital gown, "put this on, it will be easier for me to put the leads on for your EKG."

"Whatever you want," Mrs. Jackson looked into Jasmine's eyes, "I trust you."

Jasmine Vanilla placed stickers on the EKG leads and began to make everything ready to place in an IV and draw blood.

"I had a feeling I should come here," Mrs. Jackson layed back as Miss Jasmine placed the leads all over her patient's chest. "Thanks to the Lord Jesus."

"Hold still a minute," Jasmine said and pressed the button on the monitor to start the EKG analysis. "Relax."

Mrs. Jackson felt a sense of calm and realized today would work itself out.

"Alright, we are done," Jasmine pulled up a stool next to Mrs. Jackson and placed the tourniquet. "Now comes the not so fun part."

"Girl! you do whatever you need to do," Mrs. Jackson was surprised she trusted someone so much, a stranger with a needle about to stab her arm out of compassion. She reminded herself it was for her own good.

"Big Stick," Jasmine warned her patient and punctured the woman's dark skin. Jasmine remembered in Nursing school that she had always wondered how she would ever find a vein on a dark skinned person, she relied on sight so much. Not anymore, Jasmine trusted her sense of touch and located veins based on feeling. Not unlike the way she conducted her life lead by feelings instead of logic.

'Sometimes I don't make sense,' she thought to her self.

After drawing all the necessary blood and flushing the line out with normal saline solution Jasmine began her assessment as she took Mrs. Jackson's blood pressure once again. They laughed and smiled making the assessment as pleasant as possible. Mrs. Jackson was surprised that she could have such pleasure in the company of a stranger under the current circumstances.

"Well that is it for now," Jasmine took the chart and blood viles, "your blood pressure is 199/108. That is better then before, I will send the doctor in here to take a look at you."

"Praise Jesus for giving me such a great nurse!" the woman said with conviction. "My blood pressure is already coming down!"

"Well, Mrs Jackson," Jasmine smiled, "your blood pressure was probably more elevated in the triage room because you were nervous."

"I,for some reason, feel safe around you Miss. Jasmine," the big black woman said touching Jasmine's heart as she walked out of the room. At this moment she knew that several years of nursing school was worth the effort.

Jasmine Vanilla was touched by the woman. She had worked so hard to maintain the health and safety of all of our patients, but some of them just didn't appreciate it.

Jasmine placed the EKG on the chart and handed it to the ER doctor.

She was dreading going back into her other room, but felt rejuvenated by Mrs. Jackson's praise. 'I am a good nurse,' Jasmine reminded herself as she walked in the room, 'these people are just scared and upset.'

As she entered the room of her other patient she was bombarded with loud arrogant family members. Her patient was a peaceful, grateful and kind woman but her family were rude and unpolished. Jasmine wondered how such a kind woman could raise such a heard of animals.

Jasmine wished she could tell them all to f#$^ off but it wasn't in her nature. Jasmine was tolerant and had patience.

"Excuse me Ma'am!" one of the family members yelled at Jasmine, "what the hell is going on with our grandma!?"

"We are still trying to figure it out, we are running tests as we speak," Jasmine checked the vitals of her patient.

"YOU STILL DON'T KNOW!!" the inpatient family member yelled, "this is why I hate nurses!"

Jasmine was taken back by the comment and felt rage like fire inside her heart. She despised ungrateful people. She tried to think about Mrs. Jackson in the other room, her words echoing... "I feel safe around you."

She shook off the words of the ungrateful family member and wrote down the vital signs on her notes.

The nurse-hater's phone rang and she answered with, "No! they still don't know!!"

Jasmine Vanilla could hear the female on the other line yelling at the top of her lungs some kind of curse words directed to the medical staff. The words pierced with an ugliness that made her cringe.

"You want to talk to her?" the family member asked the woman on the phone and looked at Jasmine, "could you tell my sister what is happening to my mom on the phone!?"

"No, I'm sorry I can't give out medical information on the phone," Jasmine walked toward the door doing her best to flee the situation.

"You can't!" the woman screamed at Jasmine.

"No I am sorry," Jasmine clutched onto the medical chart, "I have to go now, I have other patients."

The family member put her sister on speaker phone and Jasmine was verbally attacked by a woman that she couldn't even see. It was the most appalling thing ever, insult after insult being thrown at Jasmine. A storm of hate and fear.

Jasmine had to leave the room. She tried to remember the kind words of Mrs. Jackson.

Jasmine Vanilla was relieved to go see her pleasant grateful patient in the other room.

"Praise Jesus!" the patient adjusted herself in bed, "you are back."

"Yes, and I have some medication for your blood pressure," Jasmine handed the woman a small pill, "it's small but it packs a punch."

"I hope you are right," Mrs. Jackson swallows the pill with water," God blessed me with a good nurse and a lousy doctor."

"Was he rude to you?" Jasmine asked remembering the rude family members in the other room.

"Oh yes," the patient replied, "but I am still glad I came in."

Jasmine knew the doctor was in all honesty a kind man, he probably was just recovering from the rudeness in the adjacent room. Sometimes these behaviors are as contagious as the common cold. Jasmine was sure that he wasn't intentionally being rude.

As it turned out Mrs. Jackson had more problems with her then just her blood pressure and Jasmine along with the MD were able to solve the problem and send Mrs. Jackson on her merry way.

Good things happen to good people. Was it Jesus that prompted Mrs. Jackson to come into the ER? OR was it a subconscious feeling knowing in the back of her mind that she had not taken her Blood Pressure medication? Or perhaps we are more in-tune to our bodies on a different level then we are able to understand. Whatever the case, there is something out there, feelings that tell us to go left instead of right. We just have to learn to trust those feelings.

"You are an angel Miss Jasmine," the woman yelled out to the nursing station as she walked out of the ER."

Reconnecting with Family

I went to Walmart, the most exciting thing that I do in Waco, Texas. It seems all the fun is in the neighboring big cities, I try to get away as often as possible.

But today was all about Walmart. Some people, such as my sister Laura, think that Walmart is the greatest place on Earth. I wish that I thought this way, maybe then I wouldn't miss Puerto Rico, Hawaii or California so much.

I am so lucky to have lived in the most beautiful places within the United States.

About a week ago I received a package in the mail from Laura. It was a Halloween package. I was flattered and excited that I had something that let me know that my family still thinks of me.

I must seem like a stranger to them having left home when I was 18 years old. It has been 10 years and I have never really lived within driving distance of them, a sacrifice I incurred for wanting independence and traveling.

Sometimes I feel sad, like I have missed out on their lives.

If it wasn't for living in Utah last year then moving to Hawaii to be with my parents and brothers I would be a complete stranger probably.

Still there are those family members I haven't seen in over five years, one of which is my step sister Sarah. I miss her so much it is insane.

I went searching through the isles of the greatest place on Earth, walmart when Sarah called me. It seems over the last 5 years, with me being in a very serious relationship with Frances for three years then struggling through nursing school and Sarah being married and having a ton of kids, okay only three, we just seemed to have lost touch. It is a shame because we share more than the same dad (him being my step father.)

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Summer of 2000

"Wow what a great movie!!" Sarah Ann exclaimed as we walked outside the movie theater.

"Yeah, we need to watch that Cast Away again and again," I said laughing knowing full well that we would probably go see it again tomorrow.

Sarah opened the passenger side door for me of her white 1998 Chevy Cavalier. I always thought it was odd that she did that, but it was just her thing. I suppose we both possessed our 'somethings'.

"You know," I said putting on my seat belt, "after Forrest Gump, I never thought that Tom Hanks would recover because honestly, I never thought I would be able to see him as anything but a...how do I put this nicely?"

"Retard!?" Sarah punched my arm as hard as she could. Sometimes I think that she just enjoyed hitting me on the arms as often as she could so she would look for any excuse. It was funny in a sadistic way.

"Hey!! I wasn't going to say that!" I said massaging the muscle of my deltoid.

"Yes you were Leo Ho!" Sarah yelled back with a smile. It cracked me up she gave me such a strange nickname when I was maybe 15 or 16 years old.

"Okay okay, I was really going to say.... special person." I smiled trying to recover from my obvious mistake.

"I don't believe you!" Sarah punched me in the same spot as before. "and I hope it bruises!" we both laugh.

We were sadistic girls. In fact, we were both involved in martial arts and after seeing the movie Fight Club with Brad Pitt, we both agreed that we wanted to start our own fight club.

"So I was thinking Leo Ho," Sarah put on her serious face. I always knew when we were about to have a serious conversation because the air changed.

"Yes?" I said.

"When we are older, like in 10 years or so, we should go onto a deserted tropical island for a year and try to rough it," Sarah turned the key in the ignition.

"But what if we have husbands and kids?" I said (at this time I didn't know I would be gay).

"We have to promise to do this no matter what!" Sarah said with a very serious face.

"Okay okay," I said and started tuning the radio to a good song. The Dolphins Cry by Live, it was the latest hit and I loved it.

"Serious!!" Sarah said louder as she drove us back home, "you have to promise!"

"I promise," I said knowing that probably in 10 years we will be too busy to even consider such a thing, but if she wanted it I would do it for sure.

"So we will live on a deserted island and when we get off the island we will write a book about our survival," Sarah said with conviction. I admired her passion, she had a spark about her that inspired me.

"Sounds like fun," I said with a smile.

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So it has been 10 years....and I am now reconnecting with my sister Sarah. If you would have told me 10 years ago that we would not see each other in 5 years I would have punched you in the face.

We talked for sometime and it suddenly occurred to me the promise that we made so many years ago. We could do it! Maybe not for a year but at least a weekend. I presented my plan of going to the most beautiful island in the Caribbean that I know of and camp there.

Culebra.

Sarah was exciting and enthusiastic when I told her my idea. It made me feel excited to do something with her. It seemed that time overlapped itself and we were the same people we were 10 years ago,except better versions. Time has been good to us.

We will see this coming January if it actually happens, but I am determined to do this. I need this break from reality.

Back to Walmart...

When I got off the phone with Sarah, I thought about family and felt sad that I hadn't been the kind of sister, aunt, daughter and cousin that I should be. Its time for a change....

I saw the most adorable Littlest Pet Shop figurines, two baby cats with stethoscopes. It was perfect. I remembered that I should probably send something to my sister Laura and niece since they sent me something.

I bought the figurine, something so cheap and small and yet it would make my 4 year old nieces day light up. I felt warm inside as I purchased it along with my groceries.

I also wondered how Sarah's kids are, what do they like, what are their hobbies, etc... It made me feel bad to know that I haven't even met the kids of someone I have shared so much with and been so close to, maybe the only person on this planet who fully understands my sense of humor.

I should make this a priority.

Go!!! Halloween night.

Halloween night and I am in Houston with my friends Princessa, her girlfriend Blondie and Adam Sandler.

I did not have a costume, unless you count the scarf that my sister made me. She sewed on scary green fingers on a scarf and sent it to me a few days prior. It's all I had, Adam and I had planned our Halloween costume for months and months, but time was not my friend. Working got the best of me and I didn't have time to go out looking for the appropriate attire.

We wanted to be the couple in the movie 51st dates. He was going to be the guy (Adam Sandler of course) and I was going to be Drew Barrymore, his girlfriend with a horrible short term memory.

But all I had was a scarf with fingers sewed on them, but it was more than enough for me. I don't really like dressing up anyway. And neither did any of the other lesbians that came out this night. We must of all got together and collectively decided not to go all out dressing up like then men.

Thank goodness for sisters making you stuff to wear on such an occasion...

Time to go out and see what the city has to offer.....

An entire street was closed off near the bars that lined the gay district of Houston. An entire street of drag queens, ghouls and goblins. It was a gay man's paradise. Halloween, a holiday they can dress as slutty or as diva beautiful as they want and get away with it.

Some of the gay men dressed the way they felt on the inside but had to hide from society....

Chocolate, a big black drag queen who is famous in this neck of Houston was once again the Diva of the night announcing costumes and acting as the group's voice on stage in the middle of the street. She is the "Rupaul" of the gay community in Houston.

Chocolate had a sweet tooth for all the masculine men in the city, especially my friend Adam who was straight, extremely so.

I wondered how the rest of the city must look upon this spectacle of gay men in drag or in thongs walking the streets holding hands and being fabulous, as they would say. 'Glitter and lipstick never hurt anybody,' one of the male divas told another male diva in drag.

Adam left to a friend's house that lived nearby to start drinking like a man who is extremely dehydrated and needed water. Party Boy needs some gas to start the crazy party train.

Blondie, Princessa and I went inside the crowded club, we enjoyed watching for the most part.

People watching is so much fun, especially here...

"Oh hey! Jasmine Vanilla!" Blondie says to me, "I have a single friend who is coming here tonight that I want to hook you up with."

"Is she cute?" I asked her. Whenever someone tries to set me up or I go out on a date, which is not that often, my whole dating life flashes before my eyes. I think about the joy and horrors I have had in dating and relationships. Sometimes I think that my dating life is a sick joke and I wonder who is being amused by it because it sure isn't me!

"Yeah! She is really cute!" Princessa tells me and smiles.

"Okay, I will meet her," this usually means I will hang out with her for tonight to see how it goes. But usually when I get set up it doesn't go anywhere.

About half an hour later Adam arrives to the club seemingly intoxicated, meaning if you lit a match too close to him he was likely to ignite into fire he was so saturated in alcohol.

Jack Ass..... Adam became a jack ass before my eyes.. Alcohol to Adam equals jack ass. It was amusing I must say.

"Jasmine, I would like you to meet Sugar," Blondie introduces me to a beautiful brown haired femme lesbian girl.

"Hey Sugar," I shook her hand.

As I was shaking her hand that song, our song, started playing... Halo by Beyonce. It was a remix version but nonetheless it was Dulce's song to me, our song.

"It's good to meet you Jasmine Vanilla," she said and her face transformed into Dulce's beautiful face. This couldn't be happening to me! The memory of Dulce haunting me...

"Why are you haunting me?" I asked Dulce and put my hand on her chin.

"I don't want you to forget me," she says and kisses my lips. The song kept playing. 'Remember those walls I built, well baby they are tumbling down..'

"Ahhhhhhh!!!!" I screamed frustrated as Dulce's venom entered my mouth and absorbed into my blood stream.

Was Dulce venomous? Perhaps, it was the only thing that could explain my paralysis stagnant non dating self the last few months... I found myself unable to move, unable to breathe, my heart stopped beating and the only thing I was ever able to feel was either pain or numbness, a carefree state. I need someone who can cure me of this broken state, someone who's kiss could free me.

Dr. Mc Dreamy was the only person that came into mind. My dream girl, my forever dream girl.

Fear... but not by ghosts or skeletons. Especially not the ones here at this club in their tight skin spandex.

Sugar was avoiding me... She wasn't throwing herself at me like I was accustomed to, its not that I think I am God's gift to gay women, but I know single lesbians enough to know that they can be desperate for anyone to relieve them so the pain of past relationships.

I have never met a lesbian who was not hung up on their ex girlfriend, who also happens to be her best friend.

Why do we have to be 'best friends' with our ex girlfriends ladies??? A mystery I was not planning on solving tonight.

Dulce and I aren't best friends, we don't even talk anymore... I wondered about that as I stood in silence with Sugar who was avoiding my gaze.

"So I hear you just moved here from Louisiana?" I asked Sugar trying to concentrate on her uniqueness that made her anything but Dulce. Hell, they didn't even look alike besides the fact that they are extremely femme. It seemed the harder I stared at her the easier it was to remember that she was not my ex girlfriend.

"Um yeah, a few weeks ago," she said in an awkward voice looking at me in a strange way, "I have a girlfriend though that still lives there."

"Oh girlfriend!" I said almost choking on my coca cola, I was not expecting that. "Where is she?"

"She is still in Louisiana," Sugar responded in a cold tone, looking at me as if I was a temptation that she did not need in her life.

I took the hint and grabbed Princessa on the arm to go outside. I knew that Princessa was probably needing a smoke break about now.

Girl talk, about girls. Our speciality, Princessa and I had a long history of these chats.

"She has a girlfriend Princessa," I said as she adjusted my scarf to make it warmer on my neck.

"Yeah, but her girlfriend is horrible for her," Princessa lit up a cigeratte.

"I'm not going to be a house wrecker," I responded.

"Well, she moved here to get away from her girlfriend so go for it, she is looking for a girl," Princessa had no idea about the cold shoulder I was getting from Sugar.

"Nah, she told me she has a girlfriend, so whatever," I said to Princessa and decided at that moment that Sugar was hands off and could have her drama to herself.

I'm not a big fan of drama.

As the night went on Jack Ass (Adam) got more and more wild. He got to the point where he could not tell the difference between the drag queens and real women. It was a hilarious moment. He was feeling sexy with his clan of drags following him around all night.

"Hey honey, give us a strip tease," one big black drag queen says to Adam.

"Oh yes honey!" another drag queen looks over at Adam. Before I knew it there was a swarm of drag queens around my friend Adam.

Peer pressure...... I think.....

'Don't do it,' I thought to myself as I turned away. It was like watching a horror movie where you know that the scary part is about to come so you cover your eyes. Dicks scare me actually.

I didn't want to see Adam's package.

BUT THEY DID! And they did!! Adam did a tiny strip tease on the chair at the bar. I knew that it would be too much for a girl's eyes so I kept them closed until the cheering ended.

We eventually went over to the other gay club across the street, the one that you have to pay for to get in.

Adam insisted that we go into the dance pit and join in the dancing fun. I leaned on the bar and watched as Adam dance with a drag queen that looked like Brittney Spears off of her new album circus. To a drunk man, she was Brittney, the real Spears.

Sugar kept avoiding me.... avoiding opportunity to meet new people... What a shame.

I noticed a hot skinny butch girl dancing it up on the dance floor. She was wearing a skinny black shirt and a small tie with tight blue jeans. I couldn't stop stealing glances at her. She was amazing on the dance floor.

Had you asked me a few years ago I would have told you there was no such thing as hot butch girls... But trust me, I was wrong. It took dating one over a year ago to realize that hot butch girls exist. And they were hotter then ever..

for you lesbians out there who are laughing at me right now while reading this.. Take a look at Shane on the L Word, case and point.. I end my case...

Hot skinny butch girl grabbed me from where I was standing. Her aggression was astonishing and appealing to me. She started dancing with me, for hours and hours.

Sugar tried not to look at me, keeping in mind that her girlfriend hundreds of miles away was worth the solidarity of the night.

I was glad that she was so cold to me as I danced the night away with miss night dancer, it just opened up the door for another chance of having fun with someone else.

I can't dance well, but she could. She led me and I tried to coordinate my moves with hers. With her help I was a decent dancer.

Sugar left without saying goodbye as I danced the night away. I didn't care and laughed to myself.

Every time I went to walk away to have a break cute skinny butch girl would grab me and beg me to dance with her some more.

I couldn't say no. She was too much fun to dance with.

With one hour left till the club closed cute skinny butch girl had to go home. I was a little bummed because my dancing partner was gone but become suddenly excited when a big tall black gay man came over out of nowhere to dance with me.

"Oh honey! I will dance with you girl!" he grabbed my hands and we started dancing the mamba.

Before I knew it another girl cut in, his friend who just happened to be a skinny hot femme girl dressed as a school girl. We began to dance the rest of the night away her and I. She was a wonderful dancer, it was fun. She was also amazingly good looking.

My friends did not seem surprised that I had danced with the two hottest girls in the club but I was surprised and proud of myself. Especially since I was feeling so insecure about my new glasses all night long.

I find myself keep asking "do i look good in glasses?" I am not really sure.

'I guess I do,' I tried to convince the insecure side of myself.

The club closed and I said my goodbyes to the gay black man and cute femme girl. I wondered if I should have asked for her number but reminded myself that picking girls up at clubs is tacky. If she asked for mine, on the other hand, I probably would have.

Adam was nowhere in sight. I wondered if he had gone into a dark alley with Brittney Spears, the thought sent shivers down my spine. He has no idea these women are really men the poor guy.

"Where are you?" Blondie calls Adam.

"Come pick me up, the cops are after me!" I could only imagine what might have happened. The first thought that came to my mind was that he discovered the masculine nature of Brittney and punched her in the face as a result.

"oops I did it again!" she laughs.

I am still a little confused about what happened with Adam, but I do know that I had a good time just having fun.

Super Girl!

I woke up at 2pm after working all night long, this is actually early considering the time I go to bed. Sometimes I think of myself as a vampire, sleeping during the day and taking people's blood at night. wahahahaha. It seems I am always doing IVs or poking people with needles at work. It doesnt phase me anymore.

My child self would be scared to death of me now. lol

My close friend Brachkoki called me. Brachkoki and I have a long history, we met in korean language school in the summer of 2000. He was 23 or 24 at the time and I was 19, I always looked up to him as older and more experienced in life. He called me for advise, I was grateful for the call because it woke me up one and two it was good to talk to him. A life long friend.

Sometimes I think if nobody called me in the morning (my morning is 2 or 3 pm) I would never wake up.

"Well buddy, I hope that all goes well. Call me again soon." I said and hung up on the phone. Just as I was hanging up I noticed a voicemail.

"Sarah, this is Stacy, we are really short staffed today. Was wondering if you could come into work. Call back if you are able to." I wondered if she liked my call tone.

MY CALL TONE: Michelle off American Pie saying "And this one time at band camp, we all lost our music and we were supposed to play this song, but we didn't know it, so we just made it up and we kept playing and the conductor didn't know what we were doing and it was funny."

It makes me laugh every time, especially since some people have said that I talk like her.

The voice mail seemed simple, but to me it was a plea for help. In my mind this is how it went.

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"The waiting room is full sir, of sick and dying people!" The unit clerk tells the charge nurse in a panic. "There are so many that they don't all fit in the waiting room, many of them are waiting outside in the cold, and by some freak of nature chance it is hailing hail stones the size of golf balls, people are getting hit in the face and limbs, furthermore breaking bones or worst of all concussions and head injuries."

"I know, I know. We are full in here too of the sick and dying, there are simply not enough nurses to care for all of these people!"

"Ahhhhhhh!!" Someone yells from one of the rooms, "help me I am sick and dying!"

"We need to call some more nurses into work or everyone in here will die." the charge nurse says with a worried face.

"I will call our emergency contact list of employees," the unit clerk says and rushes off to the phone.

"Sir," one of the nurses taps the charge nurse on the shoulder, "we had to send nurse Patty home because her son's deveriticulitis exploded within him ten minutes ago while he was at school, she has to pick him up and bring him here for emergency care."

"Her 11 year old has deverticulitis?" the charge nurse said surprised. "Can this day get any worse?"

After a horrible half an hour or so of relentlessly trying to get nurses into work an extra shift the unit clerk gets exhausted. She wonders if she will ever get anyone to work. "No, I can't," kept echoing in her mind.

The phone rings.

"Hello, this is Sarah, may I please speak to the charge nurse?" Stacy's face lights up relieved that this fair young lady would perhaps work.

"THis is charge," the charge nurse picks up the call hoping that it is a nurse volunteering to work.

"Yes, I can come in today, I shall be there as soon as possible."

The charge nurse hangs up the phone and is relieved, hope becomes within reach.

"Hey everyone! Sarah is coming in to help us." He announces to the nursing station.

Everyone cheers.

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It probably didn't happen that way, but I did feel like Super Girl swooping in to save the day. During the shift I had the Director of Nursing, Nurse Manager, Nurse Educator and the Charge Nurse thank me for taking the extra shift.

I felt appreciated. It was a good feeling.

Texas isn't So Bad

"I want to move here!" my sister in law Monyka told me as I drove her to the airport. It touched me that she was so excited about Texas. I wished inside that her, my brother and my sister, her husband and my niece would move here too.

Texas the land of opportunity.

I said goodbye to her and she left on her plane.

We don't hug in my family so there was no exchange of hugging like any normal family.
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ONe time at my brother's house sometime last year my sister was visiting.


"Goodbye" she said and waved. I stood up out of my chair..."What do you want me to hug you?" she asked jokingly knowing I would probably decline.

"Ummmm sure..." I said awkwardly, she seemed surprised at the awkward response, although I had just stood up to walk her to the door.

We gave each other an awkward hug and my brother stared at us in shock.

"Wow that was awkward." My sister said outloud after hugging me.

"We aren't a hugging family," my brother said and laughed.
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So Monyka and I didn't hug goodbye, as I expected. I know we have a strange non touching family.

On my drive home I thought about how much Monyka loved Texas, and I started to wonder why. I guess I didn't realize how lucky I really am to live here as I looked back at all the fun we had in San Antonio on the Riverwalk and in Austin at the Highland Mall where we went to the haunted house, not to mention all the shopping outlets we stopped by.

I guess Texas isn't so bad.

My first DKA

I had my first Diabetes Keto-acidosis (DKA) patient. For those of you who are not familiar with this condition, it occurs mainly with those people who have type one diabetes. It is an acute metabolic condition that is characterized by hyperglycemia (we are talking like 400 blood glucose and up), hyperketonemia, and metabolic acidosis. It causes nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain and can progress to cerebral edema, coma and worst case scenario death. The patient will also present with symptoms such as low blood pressure, due to dehydration and a crazy high heart rate from acidosis, to compensate for this acidosis they breathe rapidly. So I am sure you can see what a critical patient this is, in the absence or tardiness of care the patient WILL either end up in a coma or die. I can't say this enough, it is very serious. One thing about the patient is severe dehydrated, like almost 6 liters behind. With such insane dehydration a patient's kidney's with lowered perfusion can also be permanently damaged. The hyperglycemia causes an osmotic diuresis that leads to increased urinary excretion of water and electrolytes, particularly potassium. Sometimes DKA patients are unaware that they even had type one diabetes. What a shock right?

So I get this patient.... I will not go into details because of HIPPA (patient privacy rights). I already had three rooms of patients needing my care...

Right when I felt like I was on top of my game.... This patient comes in with one of the most critical conditions we are presented with in the ER, and he was assigned to my room!

When I first walked in the room and saw this patient breathing rapidly, with a crazy high heart beat and low blood pressure...What a stressful situation.

"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!" I screamed on the inside.

I had to collect myself, stay calm, this patient's life was in MY HANDS! This is not the time to lose it.

"First thing is first, let's put him on oxygen," I thought to myself and immediately put him on two liters a minute. I looked at the monitor, that worked, his Oxygen Saturation was at a normal level.

I didn't touch my nursing notes, I would rather have incomplete notes then a dead patient. ....... "Dead patient," I kept thinking in my head, "nobody is going to die here, not in my room."

"I need help in here!" I loudly announced to the nursing station where the doctor and nurses were intermittently gathered. Two nurses came in my room and one doctor.

"We need some lines on him and labs drawn," I said taking charge as primary nurse.

"We better start the DKA protocol," the M.D. said to me, "I know this is your first time but you can do it, let's start an insulin drip at 5 units an hour and get him 2 liters of fluids stat."

"Sarah, Room 13 needs you." I heard overhead.

"DAMN patients!" I knew exactly who it was and what they wanted. I imagined their whining faces....... "How much longer is it going to be till we can go home?"

"You are NOT the only patient in this ER!! You CAN wait! Now, don't bother me right now for the love of everything that is good and holy!" I answered them in my head while walking to the medication room to gather the necessary insulin for my DKA patient.

"Dead patient....." I couldn't stop thinking...

I will be damned if I am going to stop doing what I am doing to answer stupid questions, I ignored the overhead and proceeded to concentrate my insulin drip. I was at the mercy of the other float nurses to cover every single trivial question and complaint my other less serious rooms had. Surely they knew I would be tied up for the next half an hour or so.

Alot can happen in half an hour.... Mr. E in room 12 can fall off his bed.... I would have to fill out an incident report... Answering all the questions on the computer..Was he in non slip socks, were the side rails up, the call light within reach and how much morphine did he have before the fall? Basically asking. "was it your fault as his nurse?"

"I just gave room 12 five mg of Morphine, I wonder...Are the side rails up?" I thought to myself... I imagined him fallen in a pitiful position on the floor, he looks to me... "if only you would have put the side rails up I wouldn't have fallen."

"AGHHHH!" I screamed on the inside again.

"NO, you have to focus on this now!!" I brought myself back to my critical patient and wheeled the IV infusion pump into the room with my bag of insulin drip.

I started it and the patient's fluids.

NEXT...... "I need lab results." I say to the unit clerk, "like now."

We needed to know how much potassium he lost in order to start replacing it, low potassium can kill.

Within a few minutes I had a print out of lab data.

Thank god!! Potassium looked good. I ordered more potassium in Normal Saline from the pharmacy per the DKA protocol, which I have never done before!

While I waited for the potassium I made sure a room was ready in the ICU for my patient. They had one room left, for codes. It was mine! I called the ICU nurse and gave report.

After about an hour of running around, I finally got my patient transferred to the ICU. It was a good feeling to have the craziness over, and to know that you made a difference, the patient is alive...

I got back to the floor with an empty bed, once occupied by a VERY critical patient. I couldn't believe I handled that situation without freaking out.

I did it...

I am an ER nurse...

I helped save a life....

And thankfully, the float nurse covered my three other rooms. Everyone was okay, nobody fell out of bed or coded on me.

Shrimp

I woke up at 4 pm after working a full sixteen hour shift, I know it seems bad but considering all of the overtime, bonuses, night and weekend differentials it was well worth the strain and stress of a sixteen hour shift on the busiest night in the Emergency Room. Which by the way I only sat down for maybe ten minutes during the whole thing. "Hell Night"

ALONE.....

It didn't feel so bad this time, usually I feel that loneliness is my worst enemy. It was a relief to be rid of people begging for pain medication, asking how long till the doctor is going to see them among several other needs and wants that keep me on my feet in the ER.

ALONE...... at last, it felt like a breath of fresh air.

I decided to live it up, I bought some shrimp.

Strangely enough, I didn't start liking shrimp until last summer in Las Vegas when Dulce cooked them for me on the grill at her house. It was incredible. Now I can't have enough shrimp.

If only my step sister Rachael didn't cause me to loathe shrimp when I was fifteen years old.

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"Leo Ho, I dare you to eat 10 plates of shrimp," my step sister Rachael, 21 years old at the time (which then seemed so old to me) said across the table with a candid smile.

"Do you?" I asked, unaware that the joke was on me. "What will you give me if I do?"

"I'll pay for the meal and you will have bragging rights for the rest of your life," she said looking over the menu and laughed.

"You were going to pay for it anyway," I said catching on that there was nothing in it for me.

It wasn't unlike Rachael, the sadistic step sister, to dare me to do things and me having no benefit of having done it. I suppose bragging right, but who brags about:

"I can drink a 60 ounce drink and not use the bathroom for four hours."

or

"I can eat 11 plates of shrimp at Sizzler."

I try my hardest to include these in my everyday conversation now.... I did the dares for a reason right?

"And what will you be having?" the waitress asked me.

"The all you can eat shrimp," I said with motivation and a mission in mind.

"I love you," Rachael laughed at me.

The challenge was on....."I hate you." I told Rachael as we drove home.

I ate 11 plates of shrimp, and I felt sick! Right after I went on a bike ride with my best friend at the time, Holly. I tried to pretend nothing was wrong, surprisingly I managed not to puke leaving a trail as I road off into the sunset with my friend.

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I marinated my shrimp with lemon and olive oil, cut up some tomatoes and marinated them too. Then added some fresh parsley. I don't know why I added parsley because still to this day I am not sure how to apply it to cooking. I understand the theory of parsley but I don't get it in practice. Does anyone know the point of parsley? It just sounds nice to say

"I added fresh parsley," makes you sound like you know what you are doing.

"But of course you did!!" someone would reply somehow trying to act like that was somehow a good thing and in reality they have no idea what parsley is for.

THANK GOD for parsley!! What would I do without it.....????

Get off the parsley, you are probably thinking.

I snacked on shrimp, lit some apple pie smelling candles and watched Knocked Up. It was bliss...

About Healthcare

Here is a little something I wrote last night. Its up for debate.

Accreditation and regulation work hand in hand in health care agencies to insure quality of care. First of all, to understand their roles and meaning we must know the definitions. According to the Merriam Webster Online Dictionary, ‘regulation’ comes from the root word ‘to regulate’, meaning ‘govern or direct according to rule and to bring under the control of law or a constituted authority’. Interestingly enough if you look at the etymology of the word ‘accredit’ you will see it comes from the Latin word accreditus which is the past participle of accredere, ‘to give credit to’, break down the word more and it can be divided into ad and credere meaning ‘to believe’. In fact, the word ‘creed’ comes from the Latin word ‘credere’. So ‘to accredit’ an agency is to not only give credit to the agency but to believe the way it functions is at a certain standard.

Health care agencies nationwide are both subject to regulation and accrediting authorities. The regulation agency may be as small as a regulating committee in a hospital or a state run regulation agency such as the Department of State Health Services (DSHS). These agencies ensure that healthcare agencies are following laws and upholding standards of care. On the other hand, an accreditation committee such as the Joint Commission on the Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations (JCAHO) upholds a nationwide standard of care. Their job is to institute standards and to issue accreditation to those agencies and organizations that meet those standards. A regulation agency is like a police officer in a local community ensuring compliance, whereas the JCAHO are the politicians that make the standards and offer their stamp of approval (accreditation) if they are compliant

When I think of health care and regulatory and accreditation agencies the first two that come to my head are the Joint Commission on the Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations (JCAHO) and The Department of State Health Services (DSHS). I believe that the most impact on quality of care lies with the State run regulatory agency. The reason is that this agency can focus in on the hospitals in their state; therefore they have a more specific scope of jurisdiction. The regulation agency (DSHS) makes sure that regulations are enforced and quality of care is being given. They can closely monitor their state and thereby know what their areas of improvement are and work on improving those areas. The JCAHO, on the other hand, is a federal commission, and is physically unable to monitor all 3,537,441 square miles of this great country of ours. It is impossible to ensure that regulations and standards of care are being met on a daily basis with the number of visits they pay to a healthcare facility. The accreditation they merit to a healthcare facility is based on a belief that they are upholding standards of care. However the JCAHO does know with clarity that the institution is upholding standards of care with one or two visits a year. It is up to the State to pick up the slack and keep up quality of care.

I believe there should be less regulation of health care by the federal government. The individual states should reform healthcare based on the needs of their citizens. It should be more individualized this way to ensure that the quality of health care is in the hands of its state run regulatory agencies. I tend to disagree with opposing view that think with such a massive problem as healthcare in our country a massive solution is needed and this solution is the federal government imposing taxes and using its infrastructure and power to reform healthcare. This belief that the federal government has the power, if given the money, to reform healthcare is ludicrous. We already see wasteful use in our tax dollars spent on frivolous things, for example $3.4 million dollars of the stimulus was used on building one turtle tunnel in Florida (Huffington Post, June 20, 2009). Can we really trust that given the money the federal government will make an exception and not waste tax dollars this time? Additionally, half of all healthcare in this country is already being paid for by Medicare, Medicaid, State Children’s Health Insurance Programs and the Veteran Affairs. Regulation power and capability to uphold quality of care comes from tax payer dollars and that money should be left in the hands of the States.

Texas Friends

I remember a time where I had friends to call up and hang out with all the time. There was never a dull day. Wherever I have lived, which has been various places, I have always made friends. Everyday was an adventure. I was never bored.....

Until now.... I am so freaking bored.

All of my close friends are a 1-3 hour drive away from me. So if I wanna have fun with friends I have to plan it out over a weekend.

I have my friends in Houston. My friend Mexican Princess and her girlfriend Blondie and Blondie's best friend since childhood Adam Sandler, (he looks exactly like Adam Sandler, its awesome).

How did I meet these people?

When I used to live here in Texas, back when I was in the Army. I had a friend, Julia Stiles
(she looks like Julia Stiles to me) who was dating Mexican Princess in San Antonio. Julia Stiles left to New York to go to Law School, which she graduated (I am so proud of her) and broke up with Mexican Princess who then met Blondie after she moved to Houston a year later.

My friends in San Antonio are also fun. Eve and her girlfriend Smoking Hot. I met Eve also through Julia Stiles, they had been on a few dates but it never progressed to anything serious. Julia Stiles suggested that Eve and I become friends because Eve is so freaking hilarious!! I can't be with Eve without laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Now she has Smoking Hot, they have been together for one year and just moved in together. Hooray for them!!

So the web of friends here in Texas all lead back to Julia being our common denominator. Yes, Julia Stiles has dated a lot!! But she just has a lot of charm and irresistibly. And yes I am guilty also. I met Julia Stiles in language school in Monterey, California. We met at Lighthouse Bar and Grill (the only gay bar in the city). I can imagine what you are thinking.... It wasn't like that....

"You see that girl over there," the Bar Tender said to me and pointed to Julia Stiles sitting outside with her friends.

"Yeah," I said and took a drink of coke, "What about her."

The Bar Tender and I had been 'special friends' for several months. I was her go to girl when she needed...... company, to put it nicely. She was the most gorgeous girl I had ever seen, gay or straight, at this point in my underage life. She had me whipped, the entire 'thing' between us was all on her terms. I was her girl toy and I loved it and hated it at the same time.

"I invited her out on a date a few months ago and she showed up at my apartment wearing sweats," the Bar Tender said and laughed.

"Oh really," I said looking at the beautiful Julia Stiles. How someone could not want her was beyond me sweats or not, the Bar Tender must be crazy.

"I dare you to go and talk to her," the Bar Tender said mischievously and started mixing a drink for a customer.

So I went to go and talk to Julia Stiles. I wasn't sure what purpose this would serve, but there was one thing for sure, the Bar Tender was a devious playeress. A gorgeous playeress nonetheless but still a game player. I decided that I was going to play a game of my own.

"Hey, my name is Jasmine Vanilla," I said to the beautiful blonde Julia Stiles.

"I know who you are Jasmine," she said matter-of-factly.

"Really!??" I said shocked.

"Everyone at this bar knows who you are," she said and took a puff of her cigarette, "and you go to class with my best friend."

"Right," I was unaware of these new facts, "the reason I came to talk to you is because I want to ask you out."

"Oh, yeah sure....but aren't you dating the Bar Tender?" she said and started to write down her phone number.

"I wouldn't call it dating," I said and gave her my phone number and walked back to report to the Bar Tender who was more than curious about what had happened. I told her that I just introduced myself and had small talk, little did she know that the tables were about to turn on her.

So Julia Stiles and I went out on a date for the sole purpose of upsetting a venomous woman we had both had the pleasure of 'dating'. The thing about poisonous plants is that they appear the most beautiful among all the plants, so you are deceived until you finally bite into it and start feeling its unforgiving actuality of its existence, to prey upon the innocent.

Our first date went marvelously. We had so much to talk about, so much in common, and enough differences to make things interesting. I had a great night so I decided to park at the beach and kiss her. It lasted about 20 seconds but within that time I realized there was absolutely no chemistry what so ever. As I drove her back to her barracks on base I could tell the feeling was mutual. Despite all this we became great friends, and I am thankful for that.

Its been 7 years since Julia Stiles and I met, and I have her to thank for introducing me to my friends in Houston and San Antonio.

Lastly, my friend Shorty in Killeen, Texas. A short Peruvian girl with whom I had the pleasure of meeting in one of my community college classes I was taking when I was stationed in Killeen. We sat next to each other and instantly cliqued. She may be small but she packs a lot of punch, so don't mess with her, she will kill you.

So there you have it, besides my friend India and Croatia here in Waco, I have several friends in Texas, they are just to far to hang out with regularly.

Which leads to my dilemma. The boredom..... and loneliness on the weekdays that I have off.