The Last Thing You Lose Is Your Pride

"Who wants to start an IV?" I asked a couple of EMS students. The guys looked at each other with a smirk, they would rather be standing around doing nothing then doing their clinical hours.

I was a little surprised that they acted so unmotivated, surely they were not all experts in starting saline locks already.

The youngest guy in the group, who did not look older then 20 years old stepped forward, "I will do it."

The other guys whom appeared to be in their mid thirties looked at each other and laughed smugly, they did not like the idea of a young woman telling them what to do.

"So how old are you anyway?" all my patients asked me, they all seemed so astonished when I told them my true age, "you don't look older than 23," they would state.

No wonder people didn't take me seriously....

Kevin, was a motivated EMS student who as I could tell by looking at him, enjoyed starting IVs as much as I did.

There is just something about sticking someone with a sharp needle, directly accessing their veins that seemed like an artful skill to me.

Most people would call me sick.

Not the people who work in the ER, they all understand. "I don't want to torture you anymore" actually means, "I am going to get someone else to come and torture you for a little bit."

That is in the frequent cases where we get a patient who apparently has no veins anywhere that we can access. They are either too small, too fragile, too deep, or they roll to much, or in some cases the patient is a habitual IV drug abuser and all their veins are hardened into electrical wire. It is almost like they are harder then the needle.

Thank goodness not tonight. Kevin, the young EMS guy, had some really easy sticks. I was happy to give him the opportunity to practice.

I was not impressed with the laziness of the other students. Especially when I could have used some help later in the night.

An ambulance rolled in my room, a guy in shackles and chains, completely drunk screaming out obscenities and lashing out in violent spurts. I assessed the patient and started taking vital signs.

I looked out the door and three EMS students, the ones that have repeatedly refused to embrace the opportunities I presented to them stared in the room. They stared as I handled the drunk man by my skinny little self.

I wondered what their deal was, young Kevin wasn't around or else he would have been in the room bright eyed desperately seeking new experience. It is not that I didn't think I could handle the situation, I have dealt with worse situations in the ER, this was nothing.

I was surprised that these middle aged, EMS students were not actively engaging in such an opportunity to give medical treatment to the drunk and disorderly.

They walked away, all three able bodied students from the situation.

One person once told me, "the last thing you lose is your pride."

Think about it..

I blame my parents.

I blame my solidarity on my parents. I resent them in a way for this.

Here is my reasoning.

I come from a good family, one that is strong and loving.

I never had to go through a divorce between parents, I never had an alcoholic as a parent, I never saw my parents fight, I have never heard them utter any complaints against each other in gossip, and they never cheated, my parents had eyes for each other only. I have always seen my parents love one another, embrace, respect and protect each other.

My mother was giving, sacrificing and caring. My father, hard working, honest and respectful.

They were perfectly complimentary of each other. They set the standard for all of us to strive for.

So what does that teach us as their children but this is what a relationship is all about. Anything less then this perfect example of a relationship is unacceptable.

This has been carried with me in my adult life.

Thanks mom and dad........ I think.

I am single because I cannot find someone who I deem as acceptable.

I refuse to be in a relationship with anyone who is less then the perfect example I received growing up.

I will not allow myself to be with someone who is an alcoholic, drug user, dishonest, cheater, disrespectful, condescending, cold, unmotivated, unselfish or careless.

So where does that leave me in this wide world full of people?

Well, it leaves me single.... There aren't many people in this world that fit my expectations.

So here is my thank you to mom and dad for not setting the standard a little lower.

If only I didn't know that these kinds of relationships existed I might be able to broaden my dating spectrum.

Maybe then I would be with someone.

Perhaps if my parents weren't such a great example I could put up with an alcoholic that hits on occasion but its okay because she loves me, or a drug user that only overdoses twice a month but has a heart of gold, or a self centered cheater who sees sex as just an action people do and doesn't mean anything but its all good because she knows what flowers I like, or a cold hearted rich woman but its okay because she is gonna take me on a cruise next year.

Darn mom and dad being such a perfect couple growing up and now.

Making me believe that there is such a thing as true love and happiness and it is not a fairy tale.

So here I am single, coupled with my standards. Thanks to my parents.

Here I am waiting for someone who can meet my standards.

THanks again.

Christmas Season

I can't tell you how much I love the Christmas Season. I suppose I get that from my family. They love Christmas. In fact, last year my family put up their tree even before Thanksgiving.

I was a little depressed thinking that this Christmas I would spend it alone, but then the good news that my brother is coming for Christmas sparked my desire to decorate.

It's kinda lame decorating for yourself only.

I put up a tree last weekend and bought a few decorations.

Today I opened up a Christmas package from my sister Laura. I was so overjoyed, especially since her husband is unemployed and they are barely making it, BUT she somehow scrounged up enough money to get me a little something. That meant a lot to me.

I need to send them something next week. Something to make their Holidays brighter. I love helping, I love giving, it makes me feel more connected with my family.

I love my family and friends. A lot of times, many of the friends I have are like family, I have had them for so long. I am so blessed to have such great family and friends.

I seem to be a magnet for good people only. It seems that low caliber people are repelled by me for some reason, for that I also feel grateful.

It is going to be a great Christmas this year.

Alanis Morsette

I went out with an old friend yesterday. We went to language school together 7 years ago, we were both Korean Linguists in the Army. I remember that she was the girl that I thought looked a lot like Alanis Morsette.

I met her at her hotel in Austin and we went to 6th street.

It was so great to just be able to catch up. Its interesting how I have remained so close to many people who I went to language school with. We are all somehow connected for life.

At least some of them. For instance, my friend Brachkoki. We have been friends for almost ten years. It is amazing to me, and we just keep on getting closer and closer as time continues.

June 2000

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"That is too bad you didn't pass that test," PFC Brachkoki said to me sympathetically.

"I'm not that sad about it," I said, "means I can stay here in Monterey, California six more months."

"yeah, Vanilla She got held back," the young Marine, my best friend at the time, told Brachkoki about me.

"You know," Brachkoki told the two of us, "You two are always together, you would make a great couple."

"Ewwww!!! No way!" I said.

The young Marine seemed slightly offended but held onto the delusion that someday we will be together.

"So, last night I got really drunk and threw away all my books and tapes," Brachkoki laughed, "in the dumpster!" he laughed even harder.

"you are crazy!" I yelled and laughed, amused at how funny he thought that was.

"So I am on my way to foxtrot company barracks," Brachkoki exclaimed, "Daddy is hungry for pink tacos." he laughed referring to his special friend.

"Have fun!" the young Marine said.

"Hey, so I am leaving tomorrow to San Angelo, Texas, can I get your email address?" Brachkoki asked.

"Um, yeah do you have a piece of paper?" I said flattered that he wanted to stay in contact.

"Umm.. no, just tell me your email and I will remember." he said.

"okay its...leoho19@hotmail.com." I said giving him my email address. I was doubtful that he would ever remember or write me for that reason. Much like when you are in high school and the cool kids write "let's keep in touch!" or "let's hang out this summer." but did not really mean it. Brachkoki, in my eyes was the cool kid in school and there was no way he would want to write me.

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Or so I thought......

It started with emails, then phone calls. The we visited each other a few times and developed a stronger friendship.

Something about being in the Army with someone makes you closer.

Here I was seven years later and having dinner with a former Army comrade.

Alanis (not her real name but for the sake of this blog she shall be called as such)had lived a fulfilling seven years. I was impressed.

Its fun to see how people turned out after not seeing them for many years.

It was a goodnight, and I hope to keep in contact with her in the future.

*Sigh*

My day off, a relaxing Monday.

I was pumped for the day, ready to go. A great day to be alive.

I woke up and made some Foldgers Gourmet Coffee (Carmel Drizzle)and drank it while watching the news.

'What a wonderful day,' I thought to myself.

After that I went tanning in the tanning bed at my apartment and then washed my car, there again at the car wash at my apartment. A convenience I am so very grateful for.

I then dedicated the day to relaxing, watching television, a pleasure I rarely get to partake in. I remembered to do my crunches during commercial breaks, so I can fulfill my goals of doing hundreds of crunches a day to get the abs of my dreams.

It's funny what boredom can do to you....

After a few hours of doing this I started to feel lonely and bored. The recipe for disaster for me.

I think too much...

As the day turned into night I was plagued with thoughts of life in general, the purpose, meaning and then I was forced to look at my life.

Most people my age have a spouse or significant other.

So what is wrong with me?

I was made to be with someone. I possess all of the characteristics and qualities congruent with someone who should not be single.

Of course I am perfectly fine on my own, don't get me wrong, 'wanting' someone and 'needing' someone are completely different. For example, I am not just going to go out there and meet just anyone and hook up, a desperate attempt to fill the void.

Pathetic.

I am much more selective then that, just ask the girls I have gone out with and refused to kiss despite their attempts.

My lips don't kiss just anyone. Not anymore.

I finally have my life together, "Jasmine, you are a catch, great job, beautiful, smart and funny" Princessa told me over facebook chat, "you will find someone."

Everyone you can imagine is online at night. 27 friends on facebook chat.

"You deserve someone great," said my old high school friend, "you are going to find her someday."

I talked to my brother as well, but not about this. A welcomed distraction from the curious desire to know how I am still single.

When I am busy I don't have time to obsess about this. Maybe this is why I work so much.

With every ying there is a yang. Among all my exes, only one of them actively tries to make me feel small and insignificant. I hate talking to her most of the time and I wonder when she will cease from being so condescending and belittling. I suppose this is part of the reason I am single, dating such people.

I wonder why I even talk to her anymore....Friendship? Lesbians love to stay friends with their exes for some odd reason.

I admit not all of the girls I have dated are bad, some I am very good friends with and I don't even consider them as exes anymore. Like it was so long ago it doesn't even matter that we dated at one point.

When I fall in love, it will be completely or I will never fall in love.... My favorite song ever by Celine Dion.

*Sigh*

You are an Angel Miss Jasmine Vanilla

It was a beautiful Sunday for the widowed Mrs. Jackson, everything was normal as expected. Mrs. Jackson thought about how blessed she was to have such a wonderful life, a blessed day for a big black Christian woman.

Mrs. Jackson loosely held onto the steering wheel of her Subaru and wondered how she could make the choir better at her First Baptist Church on 5th street.

"Perhaps I should sing louder," Mrs Jackson said outloud to herself, "What do you think Jesus?"

She wasn't expecting Jesus to answer back but knew in her heart that she had felt him near at church when she bellowed out his praise in harmony with her other big black sisters in the choir. She got excited inside thinking about it.

"Praise the Lord!" she sang out loudly in the car. Her deceased husband used to joke around that she was so out spoken she couldn't do anything quietly. He would even joke that she is unable to even think to herself without speaking.

Mrs. Jackson stopped at the corner of Main and Singer Ave and put on her blinker on to turn right onto Singer Avenue, the street she resided.

After the required three seconds stop Mrs Jackson could not push the pedal to the gas of her car to make her go right and felt the overwhelming sense that she should turn left instead.

"If that is you Jesus," she said switching her blinker from right to left, "your will be done."

As the car advanced forward it became clear what she had to do. It was time to go the Emergency Room because something was very wrong and Mrs. Jackson could feel it, to deny such a feeling would be at this point insane.

Mrs. Jackson entered the Triage room of the Hospital, "I feel something is wrong with me," she told the triage nurse, "I don't feel right." then she remembered that she had forgotten to take her blood pressure medication.

"Well let's find out," the triage nurse put the maroon blood pressure cuff, the biggest size, on the delightfully obese christian woman.

As it squeezed Mrs. Jackson's arm tighter and tighter, Mrs. Jackson took in a deep breath, afraid to know what the damage was. Finally the machine beeped and the cuff started to deflate. She was afraid to look at the screen.

"235 over 112, Mrs. Jackson," the triage nurse wrote down the number, "follow me and I will take you to a room."

"Praise the Lord!" Mrs Jackson stood up making sure to grab her purse.

The ER room was small but Mrs. Jackson's fear was enormous. She thought of her grandchildren and the choir. How would they ever go on without her? She sat on the bed with clean white sheets and took a deep breath.

"Oh Lordy Lordy Lordy," she said exhaling out.

Within a few minutes a nurse appeared, "Hello Mrs. Jackson, I am Jasmine, I am going to be your nurse today."

"I know you will take care of me Miss Jasmine, you have a Biblical name," she said.

"I will do everything in my power, " Jasmine Vanilla handed Mrs. Jackson a hospital gown, "put this on, it will be easier for me to put the leads on for your EKG."

"Whatever you want," Mrs. Jackson looked into Jasmine's eyes, "I trust you."

Jasmine Vanilla placed stickers on the EKG leads and began to make everything ready to place in an IV and draw blood.

"I had a feeling I should come here," Mrs. Jackson layed back as Miss Jasmine placed the leads all over her patient's chest. "Thanks to the Lord Jesus."

"Hold still a minute," Jasmine said and pressed the button on the monitor to start the EKG analysis. "Relax."

Mrs. Jackson felt a sense of calm and realized today would work itself out.

"Alright, we are done," Jasmine pulled up a stool next to Mrs. Jackson and placed the tourniquet. "Now comes the not so fun part."

"Girl! you do whatever you need to do," Mrs. Jackson was surprised she trusted someone so much, a stranger with a needle about to stab her arm out of compassion. She reminded herself it was for her own good.

"Big Stick," Jasmine warned her patient and punctured the woman's dark skin. Jasmine remembered in Nursing school that she had always wondered how she would ever find a vein on a dark skinned person, she relied on sight so much. Not anymore, Jasmine trusted her sense of touch and located veins based on feeling. Not unlike the way she conducted her life lead by feelings instead of logic.

'Sometimes I don't make sense,' she thought to her self.

After drawing all the necessary blood and flushing the line out with normal saline solution Jasmine began her assessment as she took Mrs. Jackson's blood pressure once again. They laughed and smiled making the assessment as pleasant as possible. Mrs. Jackson was surprised that she could have such pleasure in the company of a stranger under the current circumstances.

"Well that is it for now," Jasmine took the chart and blood viles, "your blood pressure is 199/108. That is better then before, I will send the doctor in here to take a look at you."

"Praise Jesus for giving me such a great nurse!" the woman said with conviction. "My blood pressure is already coming down!"

"Well, Mrs Jackson," Jasmine smiled, "your blood pressure was probably more elevated in the triage room because you were nervous."

"I,for some reason, feel safe around you Miss. Jasmine," the big black woman said touching Jasmine's heart as she walked out of the room. At this moment she knew that several years of nursing school was worth the effort.

Jasmine Vanilla was touched by the woman. She had worked so hard to maintain the health and safety of all of our patients, but some of them just didn't appreciate it.

Jasmine placed the EKG on the chart and handed it to the ER doctor.

She was dreading going back into her other room, but felt rejuvenated by Mrs. Jackson's praise. 'I am a good nurse,' Jasmine reminded herself as she walked in the room, 'these people are just scared and upset.'

As she entered the room of her other patient she was bombarded with loud arrogant family members. Her patient was a peaceful, grateful and kind woman but her family were rude and unpolished. Jasmine wondered how such a kind woman could raise such a heard of animals.

Jasmine wished she could tell them all to f#$^ off but it wasn't in her nature. Jasmine was tolerant and had patience.

"Excuse me Ma'am!" one of the family members yelled at Jasmine, "what the hell is going on with our grandma!?"

"We are still trying to figure it out, we are running tests as we speak," Jasmine checked the vitals of her patient.

"YOU STILL DON'T KNOW!!" the inpatient family member yelled, "this is why I hate nurses!"

Jasmine was taken back by the comment and felt rage like fire inside her heart. She despised ungrateful people. She tried to think about Mrs. Jackson in the other room, her words echoing... "I feel safe around you."

She shook off the words of the ungrateful family member and wrote down the vital signs on her notes.

The nurse-hater's phone rang and she answered with, "No! they still don't know!!"

Jasmine Vanilla could hear the female on the other line yelling at the top of her lungs some kind of curse words directed to the medical staff. The words pierced with an ugliness that made her cringe.

"You want to talk to her?" the family member asked the woman on the phone and looked at Jasmine, "could you tell my sister what is happening to my mom on the phone!?"

"No, I'm sorry I can't give out medical information on the phone," Jasmine walked toward the door doing her best to flee the situation.

"You can't!" the woman screamed at Jasmine.

"No I am sorry," Jasmine clutched onto the medical chart, "I have to go now, I have other patients."

The family member put her sister on speaker phone and Jasmine was verbally attacked by a woman that she couldn't even see. It was the most appalling thing ever, insult after insult being thrown at Jasmine. A storm of hate and fear.

Jasmine had to leave the room. She tried to remember the kind words of Mrs. Jackson.

Jasmine Vanilla was relieved to go see her pleasant grateful patient in the other room.

"Praise Jesus!" the patient adjusted herself in bed, "you are back."

"Yes, and I have some medication for your blood pressure," Jasmine handed the woman a small pill, "it's small but it packs a punch."

"I hope you are right," Mrs. Jackson swallows the pill with water," God blessed me with a good nurse and a lousy doctor."

"Was he rude to you?" Jasmine asked remembering the rude family members in the other room.

"Oh yes," the patient replied, "but I am still glad I came in."

Jasmine knew the doctor was in all honesty a kind man, he probably was just recovering from the rudeness in the adjacent room. Sometimes these behaviors are as contagious as the common cold. Jasmine was sure that he wasn't intentionally being rude.

As it turned out Mrs. Jackson had more problems with her then just her blood pressure and Jasmine along with the MD were able to solve the problem and send Mrs. Jackson on her merry way.

Good things happen to good people. Was it Jesus that prompted Mrs. Jackson to come into the ER? OR was it a subconscious feeling knowing in the back of her mind that she had not taken her Blood Pressure medication? Or perhaps we are more in-tune to our bodies on a different level then we are able to understand. Whatever the case, there is something out there, feelings that tell us to go left instead of right. We just have to learn to trust those feelings.

"You are an angel Miss Jasmine," the woman yelled out to the nursing station as she walked out of the ER."

Reconnecting with Family

I went to Walmart, the most exciting thing that I do in Waco, Texas. It seems all the fun is in the neighboring big cities, I try to get away as often as possible.

But today was all about Walmart. Some people, such as my sister Laura, think that Walmart is the greatest place on Earth. I wish that I thought this way, maybe then I wouldn't miss Puerto Rico, Hawaii or California so much.

I am so lucky to have lived in the most beautiful places within the United States.

About a week ago I received a package in the mail from Laura. It was a Halloween package. I was flattered and excited that I had something that let me know that my family still thinks of me.

I must seem like a stranger to them having left home when I was 18 years old. It has been 10 years and I have never really lived within driving distance of them, a sacrifice I incurred for wanting independence and traveling.

Sometimes I feel sad, like I have missed out on their lives.

If it wasn't for living in Utah last year then moving to Hawaii to be with my parents and brothers I would be a complete stranger probably.

Still there are those family members I haven't seen in over five years, one of which is my step sister Sarah. I miss her so much it is insane.

I went searching through the isles of the greatest place on Earth, walmart when Sarah called me. It seems over the last 5 years, with me being in a very serious relationship with Frances for three years then struggling through nursing school and Sarah being married and having a ton of kids, okay only three, we just seemed to have lost touch. It is a shame because we share more than the same dad (him being my step father.)

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Summer of 2000

"Wow what a great movie!!" Sarah Ann exclaimed as we walked outside the movie theater.

"Yeah, we need to watch that Cast Away again and again," I said laughing knowing full well that we would probably go see it again tomorrow.

Sarah opened the passenger side door for me of her white 1998 Chevy Cavalier. I always thought it was odd that she did that, but it was just her thing. I suppose we both possessed our 'somethings'.

"You know," I said putting on my seat belt, "after Forrest Gump, I never thought that Tom Hanks would recover because honestly, I never thought I would be able to see him as anything but a...how do I put this nicely?"

"Retard!?" Sarah punched my arm as hard as she could. Sometimes I think that she just enjoyed hitting me on the arms as often as she could so she would look for any excuse. It was funny in a sadistic way.

"Hey!! I wasn't going to say that!" I said massaging the muscle of my deltoid.

"Yes you were Leo Ho!" Sarah yelled back with a smile. It cracked me up she gave me such a strange nickname when I was maybe 15 or 16 years old.

"Okay okay, I was really going to say.... special person." I smiled trying to recover from my obvious mistake.

"I don't believe you!" Sarah punched me in the same spot as before. "and I hope it bruises!" we both laugh.

We were sadistic girls. In fact, we were both involved in martial arts and after seeing the movie Fight Club with Brad Pitt, we both agreed that we wanted to start our own fight club.

"So I was thinking Leo Ho," Sarah put on her serious face. I always knew when we were about to have a serious conversation because the air changed.

"Yes?" I said.

"When we are older, like in 10 years or so, we should go onto a deserted tropical island for a year and try to rough it," Sarah turned the key in the ignition.

"But what if we have husbands and kids?" I said (at this time I didn't know I would be gay).

"We have to promise to do this no matter what!" Sarah said with a very serious face.

"Okay okay," I said and started tuning the radio to a good song. The Dolphins Cry by Live, it was the latest hit and I loved it.

"Serious!!" Sarah said louder as she drove us back home, "you have to promise!"

"I promise," I said knowing that probably in 10 years we will be too busy to even consider such a thing, but if she wanted it I would do it for sure.

"So we will live on a deserted island and when we get off the island we will write a book about our survival," Sarah said with conviction. I admired her passion, she had a spark about her that inspired me.

"Sounds like fun," I said with a smile.

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So it has been 10 years....and I am now reconnecting with my sister Sarah. If you would have told me 10 years ago that we would not see each other in 5 years I would have punched you in the face.

We talked for sometime and it suddenly occurred to me the promise that we made so many years ago. We could do it! Maybe not for a year but at least a weekend. I presented my plan of going to the most beautiful island in the Caribbean that I know of and camp there.

Culebra.

Sarah was exciting and enthusiastic when I told her my idea. It made me feel excited to do something with her. It seemed that time overlapped itself and we were the same people we were 10 years ago,except better versions. Time has been good to us.

We will see this coming January if it actually happens, but I am determined to do this. I need this break from reality.

Back to Walmart...

When I got off the phone with Sarah, I thought about family and felt sad that I hadn't been the kind of sister, aunt, daughter and cousin that I should be. Its time for a change....

I saw the most adorable Littlest Pet Shop figurines, two baby cats with stethoscopes. It was perfect. I remembered that I should probably send something to my sister Laura and niece since they sent me something.

I bought the figurine, something so cheap and small and yet it would make my 4 year old nieces day light up. I felt warm inside as I purchased it along with my groceries.

I also wondered how Sarah's kids are, what do they like, what are their hobbies, etc... It made me feel bad to know that I haven't even met the kids of someone I have shared so much with and been so close to, maybe the only person on this planet who fully understands my sense of humor.

I should make this a priority.