Are Dreams A Window to the Soul?

Yesterday I got off work at 7am and went straight to bed, finally sleep after a hectic 12 hour shift in the Emergency Room. I suppose every shift in the ER is stressful, but I live for anything that is not ambiguous. I fell asleep in my scrubs, as usual when I came home from work. They are just so comfortable it is a miracle I don't fall asleep at work.

So last night I had another dream about my ex girlfriend Dulce (I am not sure if you can call her girlfriend seeing as how we only lasted three weeks although we fell in love before we actually got together, I suppose if it felt real then it was a real relationship...... This is up for debate.) This is the second dream in one week, haunting me.

I thought it was over actually, I stopped dreaming about her two weeks after I left to go to Texas. I must admit, the 24 hour drive from Las Vegas to Texas was incredibly hard for me. The thought of leaving Dulce alone in Vegas kept plaguing my mind, I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing or the stupid thing. It was true I fell in love with a girl, it didn't seem to be working so I ran. I have now accepted the fact, that what I did was run away from the problem.

Most people say that running away from your problems only make them worse. In any other case I would have to agree. In this situation the running I was doing was out of love, I couldn't watch us destroy ourselves, our shot of having something good. The fact was, it wasn't going to work at that time and I had the experience and foresight to see this clearly. I could see that if I had stayed any chance of us being a happy couple would be torn into a million pieces and burned, never to be put together again.

So here I am... Am I waiting for Dulce to come around? Not really, I think that if it is meant to be it will happen. Am I completely over her? Probably not, but I am not dwelling on the past. And yes, I do miss her a ton.

So last night I had a dream about Dulce. It was more like a nightmare because I woke up in a panic, every hair on my arm standing up and my eyes were watering a tiny bit like I was on the verge of tears.

My Dream

Spanish Fork, Utah at my Grandma's House for a family lunch (Funny my grandma is neither alive, nor was her house in Spanish Fork.)

It was a family gathering. We were all there, my brothers and sisters, parents, aunts and uncles. I was alone at the party, having only myself. Everyone else had spouses or significant others. Not me, the single Sarah... as it were.

There was a knock at the door, it was Dulce, she was with this short ugly skinny guy who I recognized was a guy from High School way back in the day. But in this dream, he and I were siblings.

"Hey Sarah!" My ugly skinny brother who I went to High School with and I am not actually related to greeted me with a hug.

"Hey Cort!" I said trying to release myself from his embrace. In this dream, I secretly hated my brother.

"Hey Dulce," I said with an awkwardness, jealousy and hurt stabbed my heart deeply, "I see you finally found someone."

"Yeah," she threw another dart at my fragile bleeding heart, "we met in Vegas and now we are together. Isn't that great?"

"How wonderful for both of you," I lied.

The rest of the dream I had to sit and watch as my ugly brother held hands with her. I saw them stealing kisses from each other, laughing and smiling. It was a painful night, I tried to pretend that it wasn't bothering me at all, that I was the supportive big sister. I wondered what I would do if I was ever her sister-in-law. What a scary thought. How awkward would it be to 'want' your sister-in-law.

What is worse, is that I knew my ugly brother Cort was a scum bag, an ass hole. I predicted that he would not treat her right, not the way I would have treated her. I wanted so bad to save her from this unavoidable fate which was now hers. But there was nothing I could do, it was like watching a plane crash about to happen and not being able to call the pilot to change course.

I woke up angry, jealous, hurt and scared. Does this mean that I still have feelings for her? How would I handle her being with someone else when she finally finds someone? Will it hurt this much? I have put her out of my mind for a month and a half now, hoping that she was gone, but it turns out she was a suppressed memory. One that I was trying to bury under work and the business of my life. But things that are buried will always be found one way or another.