June Popcorn

On one summer night, in Scofield Barracks, Hawaii a Company of soldiers in training line up in formation. They all look at each other in wonderment, their questioning eyes and worst of all mouths inquire about the reason behind the fire alarm. I can only imagine the whispering 'who did it this time?' 'was there a fire?' or the classical response 'this is bullshit.' Leave it up to the soldiers in Advanced Individual Training to hang themselves if given enough rope.

"Shut up!!" An angry Company First Sergeant screams, everyone straightens out in formation, a formation of people, in their pajamas, some of them still in their 'civilian clothes', as they like to call them. But to those of us out of the military, they are normal clothes. "We are going to stay out here till we figure out why the dog gone fire alarm went off!!" another word constantly used in the military 'dog gone', the military lingo is one in its own.

The platoon Sergeants ran into the Barracks to seek out the source of the smoke that had caused the unwanted formation. It was no mystery that even the platoon Sergeants were annoyed probably thinking to themselves, 'dog gone privates,' (again with the 'dog gone') and 'they are going to get smoked if it turns out being caused by one of my soldiers.' The thought of causing physical pain on a bunch of privates put a smile on one platoon Sergeants face.

The soldiers in formation looked irritated with each other, their silent accusations manifested in their stares at each other, 'it was probably Potter,' one soldier in pink pajamas thought, 'he is the most ate up in the platoon.' (another word used in the military 'ate up' describing someone who basically does everything wrong from the way they wear their uniform to the manner in which they present themselves).

And in case any if you are wondering.... Yes I was 'ate up' during most of my enlistment, but this story isn't about me this time.

Another soldier wearing his black New York Yankees baseball cap backwards shot an accusing stare at Private Smith and his new barracks love, Miss SPC Turner. He wondered if they had lit candles to enhance their love making/ fraternization, something forbidden in the barracks. Worst of all Miss SPC Turner was the squad leader of Private Smith. He adjusted his hat and fantasized about becoming a Sergeant, 'then I will rip those privates a new ass hole,' he thought to himself visualizing how it would feel to smoke someone.

"Who in dog gone hell was making popcorn in the microwave!!!??" the First Sergeant held up a bag of popcorn just handed to him by one of the platoon Sergeant, the bag was black as charcoal, a trail of smoke following it as the First Sergeant waved it around.

Everyone in formation wondered to themselves.....'how do you burn popcorn in the microwave?'

"I did First Sergeant!," a female soldier in a green t-shirt and black sweat pants yelled out. Her face instantly turned red with embarrassment, but she knew this wasn't the first nor would it be the last time she would be called out for something like this.

"Private report to the front of the formation!" the First Sergeant yelled ready to humiliate yet another private, his passion, what he woke up for in the morning.

Earlier that day.

"Honey, here is your eggs and bacon," his loving wife Mrs First Sergeant laid out a plate of breakfast, most important meal of the day.

"Thankyou Mrs. First Sergeant." he said and stabbed his fork in the middle of his sunny side up, causing all the yolk to run all over his plate. "Mrs First Sergeant! What did I tell you about breakfast!?"

"It's the most important meal of the day Mr. First Sergeant?" she seemed a little confused by the question and untied her apron.

"Yes! So sit down and eat with me before I sit you down!" he smiled and they both laughed, his sick humor only understood by her, and him. She loved it when he yelled at her, it made her bell ring when he raised his voice. And he loved to yell at not only her, but anyone who would allow it. 'What a beautiful Army day,' he thought.

"So what you going to do today sir?" she asked and took a bite of her toast.

"Don't call me sir Mrs. First Sergeant, I work for a living!" he said to her in an authoritative tone. "Well, I hope that today I can either smoke or humiliate some private."

"Good luck with that hun," she said and took a sip of coffee, "make me proud."

Back to formation.....

The female private nervously ran up to the front of the formation. She hated that she was being called out and remembered her recruiter telling her to try to blend in and not stand out while in training. 'Just don't say anything stupid,' she reminded herself. She positioned her in the position of attention in front of the First Sergeant.

"Private! Can you explain this?!!" The First Sergeant showed the private the bag of popcorn burnt to a crisp.

"I....uhhhh..........saw some others making popcorn and it smelled good so I wanted some." she answered hesitantly.

"How on sam hill do you burn popcorn Private?" the other soldiers in the formation began to giggle. "All of you shut up and get down !!" he yelled at the formation.

Everyone got down in the front leaning rest position waiting for their next command, many of them still giggling at their fellow comrade.

"Well don't just lay their do something!" The First Sergeant yelled forgetting that he didn't tell them to do push-ups. They all began to do push-ups in their pajamas.

The platoon Sergeants began to yell at their platoons, "You heard your First Sergeant, shut your traps and get pushing!!"

The only one left standing at the position of attention was the private with the green shirt, shaking, nervous that after this everyone will be upset at her for doing something so seemingly stupid. 'How did I burn the microwave popcorn?' she thought to herself and tried to come up with an answer fast.

"I don't have all night Private!" The First Sergeant demanded an answer and looked the private up and down, the only words in his head were 'ate up'.

"I must have left it there and didn't check on it," she said trying to speak loud enough the First Sergeant could hear but not so loud everyone in the Company would hear. It was bad enough to be punished by the head NCO, she didn't need ridicule from her comrades on top of that.

"Unbelievable Private!!" The First Sergeant yelled. The formation of soldiers with a burning curiosity were unable to hear how there fellow soldier burned the popcorn.

"Ate up First Sergeant!" the private wearing the black New York Yankees cap yelled out while vigurously doing push-ups faster and better than everyone else.

"Is that my soldier of the month?!!" The First Sergeant called out recognizing the sound of his kiss-ass.

"Yes, First Sergeant!!" He yelled out proudly and increased the velocity of pushups in order to impress his first sergeant. He enjoyed the attention and tried to get it anytime he could. 'One day I will be a First Sergaent and show all these privates,' he thought to himself.

"I don't remember asking your opinion Private!" The First Sergeant yelled across the formation to his pee-on with the black baseball camp bursting his bubble, "and take off that dag gone hat in formation!! You private, are ATE UP!!"

The female popcorn burner, was relieved to have some of the spotlight taken off of her but was still humiliated from before. She hoped that the smoking would end soon and she could go back to her room, her sanctuary from the yelling, screaming, finger pointing and push-ups.

"Fall back in Private!!" the First Sergeant yelled at her relieving her of the spotlight. He looked at the formation, "Position of attention......MOVE!"

They all scrambled to get up from doing countless push-ups and stood at the position of attention. The Popcorn burner ran back to her spot in the line up as fast as she could 'that wasn't so bad,' she tried to convince herself.

"Get out of my sight!" The First Sergeant yelled, "Platoon Sergeants take charge of your platoons!"

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So how does this true story pertain to me? Let's just say that the Private who burned the popcorn is a friend of mine, with whom I have never met in person. She is one of my biggest fans of the blog that I write on myspace. She has been basically following my blog since June.

Therefore, I shall call her

Miss June Popcorn (that is a girl's name right?)

You, Miss June Popcorn, are hilarious... Thanks for sharing this story with me, and yes I know I embellished some parts of it according to how I envisioned this whole thing going down. But you have to admit, I am pretty close to knowing how it went down, having been in the army and all.