A Quick Autobiograhpy

Now that we have discussed why I call myself Jasmine Vanilla. I can move onto a little bit of history for those of you who need some catching up on my life.

Might I add, I am not writing this blog because I am a narcissist, but mainly for myself. It is sort of an introspective look at my life up until this point. This is my way of looking in the mirror. When you look in the mirror you see yourself, your physical being. I want to see inside myself, to know who I am, and I feel the best way to do this is to write. I welcome those who are inclined to view my blog for their insight, or in order to provide insight to those going through the same thing I am going through. Whatever that may be. So feel free to write comments or to share your thoughts.

Let's start from the beginning. I was born and raised in Utah County, the heart of the Mormon religion. And as you may have guessed I was raised Mormon. My parents were great people, humble and did everything they could to provide a great childhood to me, my sister and three brothers. I am very lucky to have such loving parents, who stayed together till death do them part. On my dad's part anyway. He died when I was 11 years old of brain cancer, leaving us alone. My mom was left to take care of 5 little kids singlehandedly. I still wonder how she did it, seeing as how I have a hard time supporting myself on an RNs salary,okay so i have expensive taste. She is one of the strongest people I know, somehow managing to feed us, cloth us and provide the best birthdays and Christmases any kid could ever hope for. Her love for us was unbelievable, a mother's love which is still a mystery to me. I have never conceived of a child, and therefor have no tangible clue of what it would be like to love someone so much you would die for them.

At any rate, two years later she met my step father, but I refer to him as a real father now because he certainly put the time and effort a real father would put into raising a kid. He is also a decent man. Now that I am in the dating world, I realize how great he really was and is. He met a woman, fell in love and took on the responsibility of raising 5 kids that were not his. On top of that he had 9 kids of his own! I think it takes a special kind of man to do that, seeing as how most would run if the woman had even one kid. I know that I would, or at least I think I would. He took on the role of father, and it suited him very well. He did a good job in raising us kids and we felt his love, the same kind of love our father had for us.

My step siblings I met as months and years went on after they got married. I met Bethany, Sarah and Jacob first. They were the closest to our ages. And coincidentally Sarah, not only shared the same name as me, but we were close to the same age. Her and I started on a rocky path, probably due to the fact that my little sister Laura and I pinched her boobs the first minute we saw her. Okay so we were a little strange. Then she scratched our arms with her long fingernails, we screamed out in pain, probably the worst pain we had ever felt besides the pain you feel when going to the dentist. Kids hate the dentist. But Bethany was not much better when we first met her, within the first few minutes the girl, probably 12 or 13 years old at the time, bit my shoulder. I was shocked and tried to pretend that it didn't happen. My other step sister, Rachael, who is 7 years older then me, didnt really become apart of our lives until she moved in with us, her and her twin daughters who were 2 years old at the time. They are 16 now!! It is so hard to believe! I always admired Rachael and strived to be even half as awesome as she is. The other step siblings I was never really close to, we saw them occasionally at family gatherings but didnt really talk to them much. Not that I wasnt interested in talking to them, I just never knew what to say. And still up to this point I have yet to meet all of them.

High School was an interesting time in my life. They say adolescence will be the most dramatic time of your life, they weren't joking! I went through a lot of phases, did a lot of stupid things. Life was so dramatic back then!! I was a troublemaker, I did everything and anything I could to mark my rebellion. Now I realize how stupid it is to do something just because your parents don't want you to do it. When you are a teenager you think "I want to have control of my life" and you go off doing everything you feel will make you in control, only to find the things you are doing aren't really things you want to do but things you feel you need to do to break away from your parents. Sorry mom and dad. So in a way, they are still in control. Now, I am an extremist, so I did rebel but to extreme levels which took me down a path where suddenly I felt stuck. This is where Sarah, my step sister, came in.

Sarah, grabbed me from my pit and helped me get my life back together. I will be forever grateful to her for being such a great sister to me. She lifted me from the darkness that I had created and introduced me to a new life. She convinced me that joining the Army as a Korean Linguist was the way to go, we both joined and started a new beginning in Monterey, California. I felt myself being reborn, the person I thought I was dissapeared and a new stronger version of myself emerged. I had finally gained control of my life thanks to Sarah.

Shortly after joining the Army, I came out of the closet to everyone. I started to realize that this was my life, and I have to be honest with myself. I also came to realize that many of my problems as a teenager stemmed from the fact that I hated the part of myself that wondered what it would be like to have a girlfriend. Now I could go on and on about my first girlfriend, but she ended up being a waste of time, so why bother? Let's just say, yes she existed. My parents didnt take it so well in the beginning but after some time, they learned to accept it. They only desired for me to be happy, as they always remind me. My other siblings step and real, are extremely supportive, especially Sarah when I first came out. It made it alot easier I must say.

Fort Hood Texas was my first and last permanent duty station. While there I served an onsight mission, meaning we didnt have to deploy to Iraq, for a full year. Personally speaking, I met the only really serious relationship I have ever had in my life, Frankie. We met through some friends, and immediately hit it off. It was magical, like a fairy tale in the beginning. I loved her deeply and truly. We lived together many years, and were the envy of our single friends. Nobody could possibly love a girl as much as I loved Frankie. But all good things come to an end.

After we both finished our contract with the army, we moved to Puerto Rico together to further our education. It was mostly my idea, I wanted to go somewhere completely different and learn about a new culture and language. Frankie was from there, so it was not hard to begin a life there together.

And when I say 'together' I mean six months. It didnt take us long to break up after starting school. Alot can be said about what exactly happened between us, but I will save that for now. Let's just say that I had to learn to take care of myself, the first time I had ever been completely alone. And by alone I mean, watching movies by myself in a hot apartment, eating ramon noodles, no air conditioning, no friends, nobody to hang out with. The only thing I had to look forward to was going to school or cooking myself dinner. It was frightening being so alone, and worst of all, nobody around spoke that much English. On top of all this I lived in one of the most dangerous ghettos in San Juan. These were the hardest days of my life, but I transformed into the strongest version of Sarah possible. Because of these three years on my own in a foreign place, I have learned that I can accomplish anything and survive anything and do anything. I had my limits tested and succeeded better then I thought I ever would. I surprised myself.

Of course, Puerto Rico wasnt all that bad. I met some amazing people. My best friend and new brother, Jeremie, a French Canadian, going to the same school as me. He and I met at the rock climbing gym near the school and became inseparable after. People always refered to us as "Will and Grace" except in our version Grace is gay and Will is straight. We spent almost every night, save the nights we went out exploring the island, in his small apartment, cooking dinner together, playing dominoes, talking endlessly..

Oh how I miss those talks.... Jeremie and I would spend hours talking, it was so therapeutic for the both of us. We would take turns talking about relationships and dating, our tricks, downfalls, and successions. We would also go out with various girls and if it went bad, we would spend hours joking around about it, turning a bad night into something to be mocked and laughed about. There were some nights I wished that my date would go bad so I could tell Jeremie about it later.

That and Jeremie had class and culture. Whenever I came to his house, he had in some kind of french music, jazz, Frank Sinatra or Celine Dion among other music. He had wine being poured into large goblets with an exotic cheese. He treated my presence, although I was merely a great friend, the same way he would treat any guest into his home. Our friendship was magic the kind only dreamed about, infact I had never in my life connected to someone in the same way I had connected with Jeremie. Perhaps because we were platonic, we felt extremely comfortable talking to each other about everything. It was and still is the most beautiful friendship I have ever had. I miss him a great deal.

It was sad to leave Puerto Rico, and Jeremie, but it was time to start my life as a Nurse somewhere else. After passing the NCLEX, I tried to live in Hawaii with my parents but there were no opportunities for new graduate nurses. It was hard to leave Hawaii, after falling in love with the place, the only place I had ever felt at home. I had hoped to golf, go to the beach, and enjoy the presence of my parents for years to come, but God had different plans for me. I figured that I would go back someday and work in a hospital, but this time would not be now. Instead I went to Las Vegas, where I stayed with my old friend and lover, at least at the time being. I had hoped to stay there and begin a life with her, but God wouldnt permit that either. It is complicated, but it didnt work out between us. So here I am in Texas, one of the only places that would hire a new graduate RN to be an Emergency Room Nurse. I don't regret leaving Hawaii or Las Vegas, I am super excited about working in the Emergency Room and feel incredibly grateful for the opportunity.

So here I am in Texas. A new beginning for me again.. I am excited, and can't wait to see what happens next.